Monday, May 20

The Hurt, Confusion & Disappointment of My Adoption Process

For all my readers, fans, and folks who come here for our usual Monday Motivation, today let me warn you there is no motivation. I pride myself on being honest, maybe sometimes too honest with my audience so here it goes! 

This adoption process has emotionally wiped me out. There I said it.  It has been an emotional roller coaster. The paper work exhausting, the meetings, the doctor's appointments, the fingerprinting, the waiting to "pick me" routine can drive anyone crazy.

I have had two false starts. Recently, selected by a birth mother who was having twins. I was ecstatic and as much as I told myself to not get emotionally drawn in or attached i did. I saw these children they were mine! My friends and family rallied around, everyone was excited and so supportive.  We all wanted these children!
I wanted them. Needed them.  And just as I was getting use to the idea that in a few short weeks I would be a mother, that wish was snatched away from me. (* For reasons too personal to talk about ) But the unfortunate and final outcome was that the twins did not happen. I "allowed" myself 24 hours to grief and told myself I couldn't afford the luxury of becoming an emotional wreck there was too many things to do. So i pulled up my big girl panties and soldiered through!

I then found a sibling group and got very excited about them and knew in my heart that these were my children. Yet again fate intervened and they were not. Again I was faced with the harsh reality that motherhood had eluded me once again. Yet I tried to march on and be brave. Cried in private.  I recited my affirmations, prayed about it through my tears. Trying to not let this defeat me, or shake me. I tried to not let all these bottled up emotions overwhelm me ....

However, yesterday I got a call from my homestudy worker that my file was accidentally shredded! Nearly five months of time consuming paperwork gone!  I needed to resubmit all my paperwork and the homestudy had to be rewritten which again would take up more precious time that I don't have.  I would not be considered for birth mothers until my homestudy was "completed." More precious time. More waiting! I just broke down in tears ate a bar of chocolate, a bag of chips and headed to bed! Yes I'm an emotional eater! 

So today I'm giving myself permission to sit with disappointment, hurt and anger and know that it's ok. As womyn sometimes we don't allow ourselves the full moment to acknowledge our true feelings. Sometimes we need to just unapologetically cry. Yet instead of crying we march through and keep going!  We put the super womyn cape on and start flying. But today I decided to take my cape off and just say I'm hurt, disappointed, angry, EXHAUSTED and I'm taking a time out!


Linette Ballantyne said...

Trey, I felt all of your emotions coming through strong. I'm trying to find the words that may find you some comfort and I don't think there are any except, cry if you have to and let it cleanse you as the fight is not over. That's what we as womyn/mothers do, we fight.

Tanya EJ said...

Hey Trey, I'm so sorry to read about the struggles that you are facing. I am a believer, and the Word says that He will not give us more than we can handle. You've gotten this far. And it isn't for nothing! Press on! You mentioned that there were *personal* reasons for which the application was denied. Without going into details, perhaps this is a 2nd chance, in the sense that you can do things differently. Not to say that you did anything wrong to begin with, but rarely do people get a 2nd chance at a first impression. You do not need to apologize for feeling what you are feeling; I've never been in that situation, and it cannot be easy. Afterwards, do what you do very well, and persist. Persevere. Then embrace the opportunity! God bless you & all the best!

angelove said...

Trey, thank you for your honesty. I feel your pain, and, I agree, too often women are not encouraged to feel their pain or joy or sorrow thinking it might engulf them, but I feel the opposite is true. What you do not allow yourself to feel will resurface as depression or malaise..its necessary to feel the disappointment and just sit with the will shift and change as you allow your feelings to move through your far as having to redo your paperwork, perhaps as the previous comment suggested ,it is a chance for you to do it differently, or..perhaps this is the universe telling you that now is not the right time for you to bring a child into your life..not just now..maybe you need to take a sabbatical and return refreshed and renewed and ready to bring that baby home.

Sunny said...

What is that old saying sometimes you face a wall to see how much you really want it. Not to belittle your feelings but this is just another wall.
Based on the little I know of you, this is a small blip. You are a fighter. Take a minute and regroup emotionally. Then forget the big girl panties and go get your sledgehammer.

Shai Downey said...

Break something...find an open space and scream at the top of your lungs...sorry that you are in so much pain luv.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear about your struggle coming so close to something and then not being able have it is very hard. I understand the emotion of wanting a child so much and not being able to control when you can be blessed with your own.
Thank you for being so raw and open. I can't wait to see what project is birthed out of this experience