The Hurt, Confusion & Disappointment of My Adoption Process
For all my readers, fans, and folks who come here for our usual Monday Motivation, today let me warn you there is no motivation. I pride myself on being honest, maybe sometimes too honest with my audience so here it goes!
adoption process has emotionally wiped me out. There I said it. It has
been an emotional roller coaster. The paper work exhausting, the
meetings, the doctor's appointments, the fingerprinting, the waiting to
"pick me" routine can drive anyone crazy.
I have had two false starts. Recently, selected by a
birth mother who was having twins. I was ecstatic and as much as I told
myself to not get emotionally drawn in or attached i did. I saw these
children they were mine! My friends and family rallied around, everyone
was excited and so supportive. We all wanted these children!
I wanted them. Needed them. And just as I was getting use to the
idea that in a few short weeks I would be a mother, that wish was
snatched away from me. (* For reasons too personal to talk about ) But
the unfortunate and final outcome was that the twins did not happen. I
"allowed" myself 24 hours to grief and told myself I couldn't afford the
luxury of becoming an emotional wreck there was too many things to do.
So i pulled up my big girl panties and soldiered through!
I then found a sibling group and got very excited
about them and knew in my heart that these were my children. Yet again
fate intervened and they were not. Again I was faced with the harsh
reality that motherhood had eluded me once again. Yet I tried to march
on and be brave. Cried in private. I recited my affirmations, prayed
about it through my tears. Trying to not let this defeat me, or shake
me. I tried to not let all these bottled up emotions overwhelm me ....
yesterday I got a call from my homestudy worker that my file was
accidentally shredded! Nearly five months of time consuming paperwork
gone! I needed to resubmit all my paperwork and the homestudy had to be
rewritten which again would take up more precious time that I don't
have. I would not be considered for birth mothers until my homestudy
was "completed." More precious time. More waiting! I just broke down in tears ate a bar of chocolate, a bag of chips and headed to bed! Yes I'm an emotional eater!
today I'm giving myself permission to sit with disappointment, hurt and
anger and know that it's ok. As womyn sometimes we don't allow
ourselves the full moment to acknowledge our true feelings. Sometimes we
need to just unapologetically cry. Yet instead of crying we march
through and keep going! We put the super womyn cape on and start
flying. But today I decided to take my cape off and just say I'm hurt,
disappointed, angry, EXHAUSTED and I'm taking a time out!