I want perky boobs. Boobs that I can run down the street in a white tank top, no bra, and they would stay in place. Nipples always erect like Farrah Fawcett~ before she died. I think I should be the first black Charlie's Angel. I also want a flat stomach so I can ditch my spanx, throw out my ten million armor body girdles, and just walk around naked with my abs of steel and perky boobs. And if I could please not have any back fat! I think back fat definitely spoils my sexy white tank top look. And to match my sexy white tank top I want to wear white short shorts that barely cover my ass. Oh but I forgot to mention I also want an ass, an ass that you can bounce a quarter off of. An ass that if I turned any street corner you would see my ass coming before you see me! I'm writing Santa a list and I'm gonna see what shows up under my tree!
But seriously, anyone who truly knows me knows I have struggled with body issues all my life. The chubby kid who grew up to be the fat adult, yet somewhere inside this "fat" body there was a skinny chick throwing up the sandwich and chocolate cake--- screaming to get out!
I don't like my body. Not a big fan of her at all. I wouldn't willingly sign up for THIS or order this body. I would demand a refund. I really really really.... don't like my body. I said it. Miss "feminist," burn your bra, loving all womyn and all of our sizes, miss trey anthony doesn't like her body! And believe me, I've really tried to practice what I preach, to other womyn about being okay with yourself. Loving yourself at whatever size you are. Embracing all of you. And I truly believe all of that. I really do. I just wish I could believe it for myself! And my non belief has made me do some really mean and unhealthy things to myself in order to achieve the "perfect" body. I don't think that's there's a diet that I haven't tried. The grapefruit diet, the cabbage soup diet, Jenny's, Weight Watchers, Bernstein's, two shakes a day or was it three?
And at my heaviest of nearly 235 lbs and a size 18, I took the drastic step of having lap band surgery. I lost over 100 lbs. Yet, before the surgery I thought once I got down to a size 12 I'll be happy. Then it was a size 10, then a size 8, and now I'm a size 7 striving for a size 5/6 yet the same issues that I had with my body at size 18 still remain... I think I'm even more critical. So I'm trying a new approach. I think I've had a mini breakthrough.
I'm working on getting my body stronger and not smaller. I want to be able to run at a 6.0 on the treadmill for thirty minutes and not feel like I'm going into cardiac arrest. I want to be able to do 50 pushups, in less than 40 seconds, effortlessly lift 15lb weights and not cry out for my mother! I want to be a strong, toned athlete.
I'm also listening to how I speak to my body. Putting that little/BIG "Voice" in my head on censorship. I've told that "Voice" that she can no longer call trey fat, or fat ass or compare her to other "perfect" womyn.....
In my bootcamp class, which I'm now going five days a week, I no longer listen to that "Voice" which yells that everyone is running way faster than me. I don't listen to that "Voice" that tells me to notice, that everyone in the class is much prettier and skinnier than me! I don't hear that "Voice" laughing that everyone is looking at my fat-- flat ass jogging on a treadmill. I shut the little anorexic down throw her a damn sandwich! Tell her to shut the f%^&* up!
Instead, as I run I affirm, "trey your body is strong, today trey you're doing your best."
I promise myself that I'm going to run just a bit faster than yesterday. I affirm, "trey, you are doing something good and healthy for your body."
I don't allow myself to focus on the fact, I'm not running the minimum speeds that the instructor demands. Or that my arms turn to jello, lifting even at the minimum weights! And I definitely, don't focus on the size O girl who's an "actress", oh sorry I mistook you for a stripper! In your sexy white tank top, white short shorts, and perky DDD, boobs with erect nipples of course! Okay I lied! I focus on her a little bit, but I eventually shift my focus, back to the fact that every day I'm doing just a little bit better than I was yesterday. Running a bit faster. Feeling a bit stronger!