Friday, March 8

Pick me! I want you to pick me!

I've always loved kids. Always knew I was going to be a mother.  I always envisioned that I would get married at age 28 and have my first baby at 30. I wanted a big family! Three to five kids? Well, big enough!  And even though I knew I wasn't too keen on the whole pushing one out deal I knew I wanted to be a mom!  So I chose to forget about the painful child birthing experience and just focus on the baby! I was going to be a mommy! So, I never thought I would find myself at age 40, single and childless!

Yet, I'm really glad that I waited. I now feel fully ready to parent someone. Fully ready to put someone's needs before my own. I have read every parenting book out there! Scoured every baby blog, taken parenting classes, interviewed friends with kids, Interviewed even kids, asking them what they think their parents did right and what things they wish they would change! I've spoken to adoptive kids, adoptive parents, adoptive grandparents!  Yes, like everything in my life, I get a little obsessed and my over achieving personality kicks in.  And of course I know I will mess up! Show me a parent who hasn't!  But I rather mess up less than more!  

When I first started my baby quest I asked a friend if he would donate some sperm to help me, I also got a surprise offer from a somewhat anonymous donor.  Yet, every time I thought about the entire process of pushing a watermelon through a golf ball, I started to feel queasy!  I knew I didn't want to be pregnant but I did want a baby!!!  Soon the entire sperm deal with both my potential baby daddies fell through! I was disappointed but I truly believe everything happens the way it needs to happen. And my womb thanks me daily!  And now I'm in the adoption process. 

I'm currently working with a private agency who specializes in open adoption and placing new born children of colour with families of colour.  I've nearly finished my homestudy and just waiting on my fingerprints from the FBI. Yes the FBI! Home study is no joke!  Paper work table high, workers probing into your mind, your childhood, your family etc! It's a lot! 

 And after my home study is complete the process of waiting begins.... I've been informed that it may take anywhere between eighteen to twenty four months. Yes a very long time! Nearly two damn years!

I've been painfully made aware that I probably won't be a birth mom's first pick. Usually birth mothers choose two parent heterosexual families first, then straight single parents,  then gay couples,  and then someone like me~a single queer womyn is last on the list!  The realities of this was hurtful at first and I even debated whether or not to come "out" in this process. Believing,  who's business is it anyway, what I do in my private life! 

Yet, I felt something as important as starting a family should be started in pure honesty,  there should be no level of dishonesty.  So here I am "OUT", waiting, empty arms... I have this knowing belief that somehow I'm not going to get my baby in the conventional way, and I have a belief that I'm going to prove everyone wrong and that I won't be waiting for twenty four months!  I just have a feeling that my baby  is out there waiting for me and the right moment will come, sooner than later!  And some birth mother out there will also know that I'm the right person to raise our precious baby. 

I'm hoping that a brave, wonderful birth mother will over look all the things that I'm apparently "not" and just see all the things that I am.  A womyn with a big heart, a huge laugh,  who wants to be a mommy really badly......

Keep you posted!  

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