For the past few days. I've stayed away from writing. Found it too scary. I have come to the awareness that whenever I have something that I don't wish to deal with, think about, confront, I stop writing. Writing is my "moral indicator" for where I am in my life. My writing is therapeutic and lets me truly sort out what is going on in my head. For nearly a week and a half i haven't written much because I have been dealing with some moral, personal and business issues. Testing within myself what is the right thing to do. Wanting to make sure that I make the right decisions. I really want to be a person of morals, a person that lives a moral life, is kind, loving, forgiving and sensitive to others. Yet, I also want to kind, loving and forgiving to myself. Because in the past I have been guilty of two major things, Huge character flaws!
1. Sometimes I weigh too heavily how my decisions will affect everyone. Thus, I have chosen to stay in situations that do not serve my higher intention because I don't want to hurt, disappoint, or have difficult conversations with others. So I have become the pleaser, the overly considerate one, the one who holds the whole "shit" together! Because I'm the one who wants everyone to be happy even if it means I'm truly not happy.
So in my quest to may everyone happy, I do way TOO MUCH, become resentful, burnt out, and I am left feeling used and not appreciated.
* I'm sure none of you can relate! :)
Yet I have also been GUILTY OF....
2. Not thinking enough about how my choices/actions affect others and going with just what "feels" right to me, thus I have been
labeled self-indulgent, inconsiderate, selfish, impulsive, insensitive. And others around me feel that they do way TOO MUCH,
and they become resentful, burnt out, used and truly feel that I do not appreciate them.
Yet I realize, I am all these things at any given moment, the "shit holder," the pleaser, insensitive, self indulgent, impulsive. And because I know this about myself I sometimes find it hard to make decisions or to do the "right" thing. Lately, a line from a poem, THE INVITATION has been going through my mind,
"I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
This week, has been a trying and emotional week for me because I chose to disappoint someone, in order to be true to myself. Yet also this week, in another situation, I chose to disappoint myself in order to do what I felt was the "right" thing to do. Neither of these decisions were easy for me and I have been second guessing myself. Trying to predict a future, and foresee what the outcome is to both decisions.
I guess only time will tell.... So as I try to figure this all out~ I read, I ponder, I pray for guidance, I think and I write....
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
I want to know if you can
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999 All rights reserved