Monday Motivation: I'm Talking To You

I can’t believe you’re so dumb!

Wow that was stupid!

You look huge!

You need to be more disciplined!  Then you would be further ahead!

You're not tired  you are  just being lazy?

Your hips are huge!

You’re getting fat!

I am embarrassed and even somewhat ashamed to admit that I have said all of the above to myself on many occasions.  The harsh and awful things that I say to myself I would never say any of these things to any of my friends. I would not even dream about saying any of these things to someone I strongly disliked!

Lately, I've really started to become more aware of how I speak to myself. Being more aware of that critical voice in my own head.  Whenever, I catch myself saying negative things inside my head I actually say them aloud and apologize to myself and re-frame the negative talk to something much more supportive and encouraging. For ex: now instead of saying, Wow, Trey that was stupid! I now say,  Wow trey, you’re doing the best that you can.  Good for you for trying!

In order, to find a more gentle and kinder way to speak to myself, I now have instructed myself to speak to me, as I would a four year-old little girl. I chose four years old because I believe that four is such a tender and precious age. An age where you are curious about life, an age where you’re still trying to figure things out, and sometimes you get it right and sometimes you don’t.   I wanted to encourage the four year old in me to be ok with sometimes “messing up.” I wanted her to know that whatever she does she will be loved. I wanted her to know that she is loved and supported.  I wanted to be gentle, and extremely kind with that little girl and it hasn't been easy but I’m getting better at it. Less critical, and more encouraging.  

So, I ask you today, to be gentle, and kind not only to others but most of all to yourself~ Imagine that today is a  brand new day to start a love affair with yourself! Thus, talk to yourself, as if you are worthy to be loved and cherished…

Blessings,

T

MONDAY MOTIVATION: Reverse the Negative Words That You Tell Yourself

What is the story that you tell yourself when you get alone with yourself? What are the words that you use to label who you are? I was watching the episodes of Oprah's Lifeclass dedicated to "Daddyless Daughters" and there was a part of it that Iyanla described as the "UNs" that we tell our self  that struck me. I realized that this is true especially for daddyless daughters but can also be applied to other womyn who may be filled with guilt and shame for any other difficult and life changing issue that she has been through.

We often have as Iyanla said, "a treasure chest of Uns" that we tell ourselves. The ones that she listed are: Unwanted, Unloved, Unloveable, Unacceptable, Unimportant, Unattractive, and Unworthy. Now raise your hand, how many of you have caught yourself saying one of these words about you, if not all of them. I sure as hell have! I have allowed these words to creep into my spirit and find situations in my life that would affirm and reinforce what I told myself - that I really was unattractive, or "yup, I knew I was unloveable".

I think the most important thing that needs to be mastered to live a successful life (emotionally, spiritually, physically, career, etc) is that you really have to police the stories that you tell yourself and the words that you use to define you. If the words you use are negative, then its guarenteed that negativity will find a way to creep into your life. You've created and prophesized that for yourself.

So, this week I want us all to examine the words that we use to describe who we are and what we deserve. Be brutally honest and real about what you say. Write them down and describe how they show up in your life. For example, "I tell myself that I am unloved, so therefore I hide from and reject anyone who tries to show me love. I stay guarded and don't open myself to allowing people to really get to know me." Once, you write these stories and behaviours down, it's time to do the work to reverse it. I'm a big believer in affirmations. Create a statement that tells yourself something different about who you are and keep repeating it until you believe it and live your life that way.

I wrote about learning how to be a black girl in love wither herself a few months ago. And part of falling in love with yourself, is being able to look yourself in the mirror and like what you see. Not just how you look physically, but can you look yourself in the eyes and really like and appreciate the womyn that you see staring back at you? 

I wrote:

If I was a black girl in love with myself

I would actively work on being less critical of myself. I would look in the mirror and not wish you away. Instead, every day I would loudly declare, "I'm going to take care of you! You are beautiful! I'm proud of you! I love you! I love that KINK in your hair your beautiful nose, your wide spread grin, your crooked tooth, that scar on your belly. I would exercise, walk a few steps daily to just honor you! I would not compare you to other womyn's bodies. I would give thanks to God that he gave me another day with you. 

Change the message that repeats in you head. It's not something that you will get over in a day, it will take continuous and daily work. You will want to go back to telling yourself these stories, but press pause on it, acknowledge how you feel but then tell yourself a new story. Keep doing it until you start to feel better.

Watch the video of the "UNs" that Iyanla descibes that we often tell ourselves, here: 

 

Happy Monday!

MONDAY MOTIVATION: Why Oprah Saying Beyonce Makes Her 'Proud to Spell My Name WOMYN' is a Head Nod To All of Us

I watched the Beyonce Life is But a Dream documentary over the weekend as well as her interview with Oprah, and while I had not learnt anything new about Beyonce there were a few take aways for me as a womyn and as an artist. What stood out to me the most was during the interview at the end when Ms. O said to Beyonce, "After watching Life is But a Dream, I have to tell you that I come away reminded of that line in a Maya Angelou poem that says, 'You make me proud to spell my name W-O-M-A-N." Such a big compliment to pay a womyn! And, one that we all need to look ourselves in the mirror and say on repeat.

As I turn 40 today, I realize that with age I've fallen into being exactly the womyn that I've always wanted to be. My life is not perfect, but I can say it's pretty damn good! And, it's good because I've finally learned to let go of the inner struggles, things I don't accept about myself and to be really specific about the people I have around me. Instead of playing tug-of-war with these things I've given up the battle and chose acceptance of where I am exactly today.

I wrote a quick note on my Facebook page the other day outlining the '40 things I know about myself as I turn 40'. A few of them are:

1.  I will never have a flat stomach or a six pack and I'm going to try my best to let go of that dream....
2.  I love vanilla cupcakes and I can eat them all day and this maybe the reason why i don't have a flat     stomach!
3.  Friends and family will often disappoint you, but I need to stop taking their lack of action or actions   personally it's not about me.
4.  I will continue to disappoint friends and family, and they need to stop taking it personally.
5. I want to have friends who listen more to me, who call me often and ask me how I'm doing? I want friends who share with me their lives, people who openly share their life lessons and encourage me to be a better person.
6. I want to actively work on my dreams every day. I want my play to go to Broadway. I want my own theatre, talk show, radio show! I want  full creative ownership to do work that I love the way I want too!
7. I need to accept that my to do list will never end. I create a new one every day!
8. I want to love who i love, with no explanations to anyone. Without thought to anyone but myself. I want to love how I want to be loved, with gentleness, consideration, soft kisses, deep conversations, and an ability to be challenged and to be challenged to be better. I want to care less about what people think about me, and care more about what I think of the people in my life!

But the main thing that I want as I move into this new chapter of my life is, I want to not only stand in and own the womyn that I am but inspire other womyn to do so themselves. I've realized that all of my work as an artist has been working towards and leading up to that. I want to inspire other womyn to love themselves period. To love their hair, to love what they do, love the way they look, love who they've chosen to be around them, etc.

I think this is what Lady O meant when she spoke about Beyonce and I believe that one day I will be sitting on her couch when she will share that sentiment with me as well.

But for now, I'm 40 and happy to stand with pride to spell my name w-o-m-y-n.

Happy Monday!

Halle Berry, Angela Davis and More Discuss Their 'Journey to the Woman I've Come to Love'

Halle Berry: “i would probably say that i fell in love with myself after my second divorce. i think it was at that time that i realized what i was made of. i realized that i was enough all by myself.”

We've all been there, while some of us still struggle with learning how to love the womyn that we are. There are so many forces in society that tell us who we should be, how we should act and what we should look like. So, finding your footing in this world to proclaim "I love me"  is a battle that takes some time, patience and kindness to yourself.

A new book out by award-winning photojournalist, Mikki Turner, titled Journey to the Woman I've Come to Love details the stories of notable womyn who learned to love themselves. The coffee table book features celebrities such as: Halle Berry, Sanaa Lathan, Angela Davis as well as many who are out of the spotlight such as everyday executives, activists and others who are just as inspiring. The essential premise of the book is initiated with the question that each womyn interviewed was asked, "“At what point did you fall in love with yourself?”

It's great to see a timeless book like this one released. Especially one that highlights the journey of womyn of colour because self acceptance is not a topic widely covered in our communities. It's another one of those topics that is seen as not something that womyn of colour struggle with. We are often portrayed to be these strong womyn who are confident and love our bodies regardless of size. Which isn't always the case - in most cases it's quite the opposite.So many of us are living the struggle of not liking who we are in silence.

I am definitely going to check out this book as I think that it's an essential addition to every womyn's bookshelf.

You can read an interview with the author about the book as well as view a slideshow of a few quotables from these womyn over at The Grio.