horse shoe up my ass?

Being here in L.a has brought up many interesting conversations between my friends, family and acquaintances. My decision to move to L.a to write for two months or maybe even longer has been met with many verbal expressions of "Wow, you're so lucky, that you can do that" or a sarcastic, " It must be nice!" or my favourite one is "Good stuff always happens to you!"

And I've had to really sit down and think about these statements because I realize that most people function from a place of good things only happen to "certain people" or only "lucky people" have good lives. And I've been thinking lately am I really more "lucky" than most~ My best friend always jokes that, I have a horse shoe up my ass!

And in some moments I have experienced a tremendous sense of guilt around my so called "luck"~ especially when people express to me, "Oh what a life of luxury you lead, you're going away to write for two months while I'm slaving away here!"

Yet I realize I have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm not more "lucky" than most. What I am is a visionary, I put my life into motion to get what I want. I don't make my life control me I control my life. I don't think things "just happen".... I think you have to set things in motion for them to happen. You have a choice in what happens to your life! A choice!

And I know many of you will argue this point with me and that's fine-bring it on!! Because if you truly believed you had a choice in what happens in your life it would force you to really start to make some changes! So of course it's much easier for you to sit and dwell on the "lucky folks." * yes i know that statement is going to hit a nerve! I'm just keeping IT REAL!

Because I believe most of us function from a place of REACTING to life's circumstances instead of being PROACTIVE in our own lives. We wait for our lives to start, wait for "lady luck" to walk by so we can grab her, if we are "lucky" enough! And of course we always think maybe... some day I'll do that......SOME DAY?? No today is the day!

I've made a promise to myself and it's my daily mantra, that I'm going to live the life that I want. And the life that I want, is to be able to go away for two months to write in hot weather! It's as simple as that. And no, throughout my life I didn't have anymore "lucky" breaks than anyone else.

I was born into a working class family, raised by a single mom, lived quite an "ordinary" life and nothing was ever given to me that I haven't worked hard for. And I think if you ask any of my friends and family who knew me before I became "The" trey anthony I think all of them would talk about my tremendous work ethic. How I will do the work necessary and then some to get things done or to have the things that I want! One of my favourite sayings that my grandmother always stated to me was, " To have the life that most people want, you must be willing to do the work that most people won't."

And I have done the "work" and continue to do so. Some of my jobs have included cleaning toilets, emptying garbages, cleaning people's floors on my hands and knees, running for coffee, picking up people's dry cleaning, cleaning people's homes, I've worked in a sock factory on an assembly line during the week so I could have my weekends free to do standup at comedy clubs, I did coat check at a night club till 4am in the morning and took the bus home, alone, scared and tired~ I have done backbreaking, humbling jobs to get to where I am today....... trust me when the bio pic comes out about my life you will be surprised at what "work" I have done..... And yes I also realize that many of us continue to toil at these jobs daily and I'm "lucky" that I no longer have to do these things....

Yet, I've worked very hard for everything that I have. And when my partner and I made the decision to go away for two months, we put the wheels in motion to make that happen. So we chose to work twelve-fourteen hour days, so we could "bank" the necessary money for this trip. Earlier in the year, we chose to give up an expensive mortgage on a very convenient, beautiful, downtown condo and move to a smaller, simpler home, where it took me nearly 45 mins to get into work and yes I took the TTC! The Wilson bus to be exact because it was cheaper than driving into downtown every day and paying for parking. And yes it was "embarrassing" for me to bump into fans on the TTC bus! But I put my ego aside and did what was necessary. And I had to question myself on why I felt embarrassed..... I was doing what I had to do to make a dream come true. I did all of that, so we could "save" the money for L.a. I also chose to not buy expensive designer jeans or shoes and went to Zellers to buy many an outfit for opening night events! Actually the top that I was wearing when I met Oprah cost $14.99 at Zellers, the leather jacket cost me $25 and it was second hand, or to make myself better I'll call it vintage! lol! And I wore it proudly at the Toronto Film Festival, the same festival where some of my industry peers were getting designer gowns made! And I got many a compliment on my outfit!

I did all of this because I knew where I wanted to be at the end of the year. My friends joke a lot about how "cheap" I am. And yes I am cheap because my "cheapness" affords me the life that I want to live..... And I regularly go over my personal and business budget so I can cut out things in order, to later have the things that I truly want. I don't keep up with the "Jones'" I keep up with me!

And most of all before I got to L.a I daily visioned and manifested that I would be in L.a writing outside in the hot sunshine. I chose to see the abundance and not the lack. I didn't complain that I wouldn't have the money to do it. I just focused on what I had and how could I make this possible? And I truly think that is the difference between me and a lot of people. Even in the days when I had $20 in my bank account, or while working as an intern for the Chris Rock Show in New York and only being able to "treat" myself to a $1 hot dog for lunch once a week, I always focused on the abundance not the lack. And I worked with what I had to make things happen and I always envisioned my life the way that I wanted to live it!

So a new year is coming and I hear many people around me making all these grand statements of, "Well in the new year, I'm going to do this, or that...." I think to myself, why not start now? Live your life. Live the life you want to live. Stop making excuses and thinking good things only happen to certain people and not you! Be thankful for what you have, feel blessed for every opportunity, however, create more opportunities for yourself and I would encourage you to fill your life with positive thoughts, positive books, positive people and manifest the life that you want. It is possible to have the life you want~I'm living proof of that.

get rich or die trying?

I love reading! At bedtime, when I was small I use to hide under the covers with a flashlight to finish off a book. I think that's why I'm now blind as a bat! Are bats really blind? Anyway, people are always amazed by how much I read. I read two or three books a week. I can get lost in a book and I love to hear what my friends are reading. Last week I met with a wonderful, dynamic womyn who works in the entertainment industry. She suggested that I read the book, Do you, by Russell Simmons. A great pick! I'm truly enjoying this book and I would recommend it to everyone! I'm on chapter three and I'm just loving it! Russell is the brains behind Def Jam Records, Phat Farm, Def comedy Jam, Def Poetry Jam on Broadway. I thought this book would be all about how he did it.... but it's not. It's really about his code of ethnics and how he governs his life and I must admit I was surprised. I guess we all have stereotypes in our head of what we think we "know" about people and what they would be like. And I must admit I thought it would be a book on how to "play the game," make a lot of money, get rich or die trying, kind of hype! So I was a bit skeptical if this would be a book for me but I thought why not give it a try.

I would never have thought that a hip hop mogul would have such life-changing philosophies and such great moral conduct. And I had to question myself on that... Why I would automatically assume that a hip hop mogul wouldn't have a code of ethics that he lived by?? I can't believe I bought into the hype and stereotypes of black men in hip hop! But i did. Shamefully i did....

So the more I read about Russell Simmons, the more impressed I was. One of the things which really impressed me was his vision of himself and his dreams. During many of his business ventures, he lost millions of dollars, many people didn't see his vision and didn't believe in him, but he kept on. A quote from his book that I love is,

"What holds most people back, isn't the quality of their ideas, but a lack of faith in themselves. Whatever dream you're following, people will always tell you, " You can't do this, or you'll never be able to do that!" But you can do it. The world belongs to people who say, "I can!"

I can. Wow. How life changing are those words? I can. If you believe that, the world belongs to you! I truly believe that. Do you? Being here in L.a I'm really taking the time to keep a clear vision of myself, my dreams, and the "noise" in my head. What things I believe of myself and how to not let anyone discourage me. I'm taking control of my dreams, my vision and I keep just pushing on, pursuing~believing that the world belongs to me!

blessings

t

something to think about

I've been in L.a now nearly a week. I love L.a! The weather, the people~ who I am in L.a. I think I'm much more hopeful when I'm in L.a. I dream bigger. Laugh louder. Love deeper. I'm kinder to myself, carefree, joyous, open. I give myself permission to have delicious lunches, long conversations, I have writing days with my friends. They come over and we spend most of the day chatting but we also write and read each others work. I love this! I've heard so many deep and personal stories. I love listening to them, learning more about my friends. I eat tacos. I sit in my p.j's outside every morning. I watch countless episodes of 20/20 on line. I talk to my mother. Indulge endless long conversations from my grandmother. I laugh at myself. Laugh at my family. Laugh at life. I think. I really think. I try to listen to my heart~ I sit outside and I write. Have way too many chai lattes. I listen to the birds, I listen.... really listen to myself. I think some more.... I read. I indulge me. I wake up every morning feeling blessed.

My Toronto friends laugh that I choose L.a for my "get a way." They think I will get caught up in the L.a industry game but I don't. I take meetings of course! I pitch, I meet and I meet and I meet..... La people love to have meetings! I've taken four meetings in the last five days!

But I now have such a clear sense of myself and my worth that I don't go into these meetings desperate for approval, desperate to be chosen. I go into these meetings aware that I am special, I have something to offer and if i am not picked or chosen I have chosen myself..... will choose to choose myself.

How times have changed... for many years I did not choose myself. Wanted others to pick me. Tell me that I was worthy, lovable and enough.... did so many desperate and unhealthy things in order to make people love me. Make them pick me please....

So I'm thankful that I'm now in L.a at this time in my life. I sometimes wonder if I had chosen to come to L.a when I was in my early twenties what would that have looked liked for me, because I would have been so desperate. Taken anything. Choose to be what this industry told me I needed to be. Now I can politely say no thank you, walk away...Know that they are not personally rejecting me but they are not ready to see the vision~the trey vision. The higher vision of myself and what I am choosing to offer the world. So everything happens in due time. My time is now and I'm thankful truly thankful for having this time.

So last week's our lesson was to listen more... how did that go for you? Let me know. I love getting your comments and feedback.

Our lesson this week~Do you love and approve of yourself? Think....do you truly like who you are, would you pick yourself? ummm.... a scary one. Let me know.

take care.

t

trey talks dirty! * mom don't read this blog!

So I know many of you come to this blog for inspiration, insight and my personal "deepness". Yada yada, yada...lol! but as i always say i'm just a regular girl trying to figure it out. And there are many sides of me, the deep side, the fun side, the dark side and now here is my naughty dirty side! I just watched this Trey Songz video and boy I had to post it! Thanks to my girl Krystle for giving me the heads up on this one! It was hot! It sure did it for me! lol! Made me want to take a shower! I'm thinking of creating a queer girl video in response! No? maybe? Got you thinking! lol but hey.... you'll get it when you see it! Mr Trey Songz, I feel proud that we shared the same name! It's a hot one not for the weak hearted. The man states that when he's finished you would think he INVENTED SEX. Enough said!

by request

Hey folks I have gotten requests for poetry. And yes it's been awhile since i have written. Shared new poetry. So here you go.

The haunting....

There are moments. Moments that define you. You remember. Even though you joke and say you have a bad memory. Can't remember names, what you had for dinner last night. Write groceries lists so you will remember carton of soy milk, bread to be eaten. chai tea. Lists of life to remind you of your favourite things. So you won't forget~ some things can't be forgotten.
You remember. Remember "the" moment when changed. Changed forever by the simple~ enormous~ quiet~ entry of you. changed by a simple hi, a smile. A touch. You remember a body memory. It has been awaken~no longer dormant. You remember. Painfully aware of presence even when you are not there.
chocolate eaten in the dark. Glasses of red wine. Difficult conversation. demanding honesty. tears. Resisting what you are saying even as you state it. Cannot match intense gaze. must remember to look away. the "Right" words tumble out of mouth ~drown sadly into uneaten soup.
walk. quickly. away. Do not look back.
Backwards~ and you know you would stay. Feel more.
Feelings shape into memories. You fly a thousand miles. So you won't remember.
Even in your safe space. you are not safe. writing things that should be forgotten.
you are here. Present. remembered.
You forget to write lists. Forget your favourite things. Want to forget but you remember....
memories keep you up at night.

I'm a SELFISH, impulsive "Shit Holding" Martyr!

For the past few days. I've stayed away from writing. Found it too scary. I have come to the awareness that whenever I have something that I don't wish to deal with, think about, confront, I stop writing. Writing is my "moral indicator" for where I am in my life. My writing is therapeutic and lets me truly sort out what is going on in my head. For nearly a week and a half i haven't written much because I have been dealing with some moral, personal and business issues. Testing within myself what is the right thing to do. Wanting to make sure that I make the right decisions. I really want to be a person of morals, a person that lives a moral life, is kind, loving, forgiving and sensitive to others. Yet, I also want to kind, loving and forgiving to myself. Because in the past I have been guilty of two major things, Huge character flaws!

1. Sometimes I weigh too heavily how my decisions will affect everyone. Thus, I have chosen to stay in situations that do not serve my higher intention because I don't want to hurt, disappoint, or have difficult conversations with others. So I have become the pleaser, the overly considerate one, the one who holds the whole "shit" together! Because I'm the one who wants everyone to be happy even if it means I'm truly not happy.
So in my quest to may everyone happy, I do way TOO MUCH, become resentful, burnt out, and I am left feeling used and not appreciated.
* I'm sure none of you can relate! :)

Yet I have also been GUILTY OF....

2. Not thinking enough about how my choices/actions affect others and going with just what "feels" right to me, thus I have been
labeled self-indulgent, inconsiderate, selfish, impulsive, insensitive. And others around me feel that they do way TOO MUCH,
and they become resentful, burnt out, used and truly feel that I do not appreciate them.


Yet I realize, I am all these things at any given moment, the "shit holder," the pleaser, insensitive, self indulgent, impulsive. And because I know this about myself I sometimes find it hard to make decisions or to do the "right" thing. Lately, a line from a poem, THE INVITATION has been going through my mind,

"I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

This week, has been a trying and emotional week for me because I chose to disappoint someone, in order to be true to myself. Yet also this week, in another situation, I chose to disappoint myself in order to do what I felt was the "right" thing to do. Neither of these decisions were easy for me and I have been second guessing myself. Trying to predict a future, and foresee what the outcome is to both decisions.

I guess only time will tell.... So as I try to figure this all out~ I read, I ponder, I pray for guidance, I think and I write....

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.



© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999 All rights reserved