Advice For Straight Parents Of Gay Kids

My new article printed in the Toronto Star!! Advice to straight parents who have LGBT (gay) adult kids!!! Feel free to share and send a copy to your parents! lol 


http://www.thestar.com/living/article/1218904--pride-advice-for-straight-parents-of-gay-kids-from-trey-anthony

HAPPY PRIDE TORONTO!

blessings

t

Trayvon Martin....when will justice be served???

Trayvon Martin

Obviously there has been endless discussion in the news, on social media sites, and amongst friends, family and colleagues about the murder of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. For those of you who may not know about him, he was shot and killed by a neighbourhood watch leader, 28 year old George Zimmerman (who is identified as Hispanic), because according to him Trayvon looked suspicious as he walked home. Trayvon was returning from the store with some Skittles and an iced tea when Zimmerman shot and killed him claiming self defence; although there have been many witness accounts that dictate otherwise.  And even though Zimmerman has admitted to killing the teen about 3 weeks ago, he is still walking, eating, drinking and living as a free man.

Are we really living in a time where all it takes to be released of charges against your actions is to cry ‘self-defence’?

I am, however, reminded of the case of John White in 2006.  In that case 56 year-old Black man was defending his home as 4 young men threatened his son and his family.  The young men who identified themselves as a “lynch mob”, threatened to kill his son and to rape his wife.  As the men advanced on the house, a shot was fired accidentally which killed Daniel Cicciaro (who was white).  White was arrested immediately and was later sentenced to 2-4 years in prison.  He was later acquitted.

 Where is the justice in the USA?

And to add insult to injury, there was a woman who was arrested over the weekend for throwing flour on Kim Kardashian.  Now I’m not condoning the tossing of baking ingredients on anyone (except maybe in fun with your honey in the kitchen lol), but where is the standard?  How does she get arrested instantly for a relative harmless act while a man who ADMITS to murdering an innocent young man walks free for nearly a month?  When will enough be enough?

Now the first thing many people do is cry racism.  And in this case I think it has its place, however, the bigger picture is being ignored.  When will we hold people accountable for their actions?  What kind of precedent is this case setting?  It would be a little different if Trayvon had a gun or was threatening or behaved like a ruffian.  But I’m tempted to think that all he wanted to do was go home and enjoy his recent purchase.  Every picture I’ve seen of Trayvon has him pictured as a respectable young man who seemed to enjoy life!

My heart and prayers go out the Trayvon’s family.  I do sincerely hope that justice is served to those who deserve it!

What are your thoughts?  I would love to know!

my return to blogging!

My fellow blog followers I apologize for my absence.... will explain in my blog. Thanks so much for your love and concern. I promise now to blog every week!

blessings

t

Superwomyn took off her cape and fell out of the sky.

I am back in therapy again. As a black womyn this is something I feel I need to share yet something I feel I should not. There has been great shame in the community about asking for help, seeking help, acknowledging that one needs help. Just recently I felt I was running on empty, feeling stressed to the max. When I finally found the courage to ask a close family member for help she responded by accusing me of always complaining and being selfish. Wow! So, you can see why I have a fear of asking for help. Asking for help is not something I do lightly. I have been deeply, personally invested in portraying an image of the womyn who has it all together, has all the answers, the superwomyn, the go to girl, the girl who seems to have it all....

Yet, in my lonely hours when i was by myself and had to look at myself in the mirror, I found it harder to look myself in the eye. The things and people that were supposed to be making me happy didn't anymore. The friends that I used to love to be around now felt as if I had outgrown them, or did they outgrow me? My family now got on my nerves even more than before and even my guilty pleasures of my favourite comfort foods didn't quite hit the spot. And the womyn, " Ms "trey anthony" " whom I had so skillfully constructed, had become someone I didn't like very much either. I knew then it was time to go back to therapy. Its been a four year absence from therapy. But I'm happy to be back!!

I am reinventing myself again. Apparently this reinvention is beyond my control. My deep spiritual friends have shared with me that based on my birthdate, numerology states that apparently I am in a year 5. A year 5 predicts that one goes through major changes in their life. One usually moves , ends a relationship, changes careers, meets new friends and gets rid of old ones. A year 5 is full of many changes. I have no doubt that I am in a year 5!

So back to therapy? In therapy, I'm learning a lot about this new "trey", the new me who I would like to be… and of course this means truly examining the old trey. I realize i suffer from a complex that i will call, " The no one will love me or show up, if I ask for help or really ask for what I truly want." I'm sure some of you suffer from it too :) A simple request as asking my friends to help me move reduced me to a crying bowl of jello in my therapist's office and had her calmly question why I felt I couldn't ask my friends to help me. I explained to her that i have a fear of people not showing up for me. A fear that my friends won't support me. A fear that if i ask for help it is a sign of weakness. A fear that if I ask….No one will come!

My therapist encouraged me to ask and to carefully note my friend's responses and take stock of what it meant to me. Take stock of what I was feeling. So I took a breath and with baited breath wrote an email asking for help. I gave my "friends" four options on dates and times that they could come and help me. I sent it out to five friends. One immediately responded and congratulated me on asking for help and acknowledged that she knew this must have been hard for me. And she promised to "help" me with my move. I was very happy that she acknowledged this but was very disappointed when the actual moving days came and she never showed up! Two of my other friends wrote back with dates that they were available and showed up for the move. Another one proclaimed she was busy on all four dates! And the last one I haven't heard from..... Yet there were some people in my life who I didn't even think about asking for help who upon hearing about my move, came by and offered their services and chastised me for not asking them for help! This really made me feel love thank you. And my wonderful little sis I owe you big time!

So overall my request for help was bittersweet. It showed me that I have people that I can truly count on, and some that I can't. In that I also felt it was necessary for me to look at my own actions. Do I have "friends" in my life who are really acquaintances? Also, what sort of friend am I? Would I be the friend who others would think to call if they needed help? And to be honest, I couldn't really be sure. To some of my friends I know I'm a really great friend and to some not so much but I'm really working on being a better friend.

Yet I also realized that there was a need for me to do some spring cleaning. My "move" was a physical and emotional one. I needed to move around things and people in my life that no longer were serving me or me serving them. I was holding on to some "friends" as I would a pair of favourite jeans that used to fit me in high school but I knew now as a grown womyn I had no business trying to squeeze myself into!

And it was much more than just getting rid of my friends because they didn't help me move, it was about really taking a stock of what I now want. What types of friends do I want to be around? Who do I want to count on? Who do I want to count on me? What fits new trey. And it doesn't mean that my old friends were bad or mean people, not at all. I just want something different. I now have a New Priority list and some people made it on and some people didn't. Some things got shuffled around and some things got crossed off. It's my list , I would suggest you create your own.

Before it was a priority for me to have hundreds of people around me and calling each one of them my "friend." Before it was important for me to have a centre and a huge downtown space. Before it was important for me to gain the approval of my family, friends, partner, people on the bus, strangers, the taxi driver. Before I loved crowds and being the centre of attention. Before my health wasn't important. Before I wanted to be so "busy" that it stopped me from feeling, thinking, and dealing with my emotions.

Now I am busy slowing down. Taking stock. Going to therapy so I can remember what it feels like to feel again. Now I'm reading more. Trying to eat healthy. Going to the doctor regularly. Calling my closest five friends regularly. Visiting my friend's new baby. Going to a play with my BFF. Driving to Niagara on the lake. Eating breakfast in bed. Listening to my grandmother tell stories. Feeling so much that I cry regularly for no reason. Crying? Me? Yes, everyday! I like to think that my tears represent a new birth, new life, water, tears, water, tears. And somewhere from deep in the water a new me will emerge.....

The black Rapist next door!

So it's Monday evening 6pm, it's dark outside. I'm alone on a quiet dim lit street in a middle class neighbourhood. I'm walking my dog. I'm black. Female. Five feet two. I'm about ten feet away from my friend's home who I'm house sitting for and I notice footsteps behind me. They are getting closer. Rushing footsteps. I turn around. I notice a young black guy about six three, with a hoody on. Head down. Maybe he's trying to shield himself from the cold or maybe..... something more. Something more sinister. My heart begins to beat faster. Maybe he's trying to hide his face i wonder? My heart races. I quicken my step. He quicken his. step. I'm getting nervous no one is around. I'm now about five feet away from "home."

There's a young black guy with a hoody on, his face down. Steps behind me. I race to my door, keys out. I try to remember everything that i have learnt in self-defense class. Oh but it was so many years ago! Yet, I'm prepared to scream, kick, yell. I will gouge his eyes out with my keys. I will kick him in the nuts! He won't take me down without a fight. I'm ready! I race to the door. Running. Hands shaking. He starts running as well! I open the door slam it shut. I'm safe! I think~Yet he runs towards the house, I think he's going to try and smash through the door, yet he abruptly runs down the adjoining alleyway between my "home" and the neighbors. I know what he's going to do! He's going to smash the side window and break into the house. He's going to rape me! I'm in extreme panic. I don't know who to call! I grab my phone quickly my first instincts are to call my friends. No one answers. I glance out the window I don't see him, yet i know he's there. I sense him. I'm going to call 911! I need the police! As I'm about to call my phone rings, it's my friend who owns the house. She had just seen my number on her phone, is everything ok? I quickly explain. Describing my would be "attacker," should I call the police! She laughs. "Oh that's the neighbour's son he lives next door he uses the side door because he lives in the basement." My heart stops racing. My hands stop trembling. Shame overtakes me. My friend laughs. More shame. She responds. "Man you don't want to be the black girl who calls the cops on an innocent black guy!" Shame washes over me. An innocent young black guy just going home and yet he had become the "rapist."

Me, who should have known better, Miss, black feminist, social activist. The person who just produced a play called Secrets of a black boy which deals with the stereotypes of black men! I feel shame. I think of all the great black men in my life. The ones who have loved me and I have loved them fiercely back. Defending their honour viciously to anyone who wants to label them anything but good black men!

At the top of my "good black men list" is my brother whom I love dearly, probably the same age as the "rapist" next door. My brother wears a hoody when it's cold, wraps his scarf around his face. I wonder how many times women have mistaken him for a rapist when he's walking down Landsdowne, probably around midnight on the way to his night shift job. Maybe he's walking a bit faster because he's late for work or maybe he's just cold.....

I also think of the worst possibilities, what if i was a white woman who called the cops and described exactly the scenario of what happened, a black young guy, "following me", rushing down a dark alleyway, would they rush over, pin my "rapist" over the hood of a cop car, arrest him.... I don't know.

Yet as I sit with these thoughts, I also wonder, would I have reacted the same way if he was a young white man "following" me? What if he was a young white man in a business suit? Would I have felt just as threatened? Would I have felt threatened if he was a young white kid in baggy jeans and a hoody on? I want to believe that my reaction would have been the same....but I'm not so sure. I'm not certain. And this uncertainty bothers me. Doesn't sit well with me.

I can't help but think about the countless black men who sit behind bars, for being so called "suspects." How many innocent black men have been jailed. I recall the case of James Bain. A florida man who spent 35 years in prison for a crime he did not commit. James Bain, who is now 54 years-old, was convicted of kidnapping and raping a nine-year-old boy in 1974. The young boy recognised Mr Bain as his attacker, but there was no technical evidence.

Bain's alibi that he was watching television with his twin sister was dismissed. Through out the years Mr Bain always maintained that he was innocent. Recently a DNA test has proved his innocence! There are so many other cases like James Bain. How many of the wrongly convicted just happen to be black men?

And to make myself feel better I want to truly believe that I reacted from a place of fear and self-preservation as a young womyn trying to protect herself. I want to believe that race didn't factor into this at all. I want to believe that I wasn't influenced by the daily media diet, of black men's faces sprawled across newspaper headlines and t.v stations that label them "rapist", murderer, BAD ~someone to fear did not affect my reaction. I want to believe this I do! I want to believe that I know better! That I would never fear a black man! I have no need to fear black men!

Because I have a brother a black brother. A brother I love fiercely. A gentle giant. A good "kid." Six three, who sometimes wears a hoody. And sometimes covers his face when it's cold. I have a brother. A black brother......

* I welcome your feedback on this one....

it was the "perfect life" except it wasn't mine!

Happy New Year! I can't believe it's 2010! So much has happened!

Ten years ago I called off an engagement to my high school sweetheart. He was a wonderful, kind, loving man. Sexy as hell! He was the "perfect guy." We had bought a house, we were in the middle of planning a wedding. Our family and friend were excited! We had our entire lives planned out the only problem was, I wasn't sure if this is what I wanted for my life.... The more excited everyone got about my so called "perfect life," the bigger the knot grew in my stomach that something wasn't quite right... I knew I wanted more. I wanted to live my life with passion. I wanted to really live! My desire to really LIVE kept me up at night. Had me on the phone with my best friend late at night questioning the true meaning of life. Left me on a therapist couch once per week trying to figure all the S^%$ out! I went to everyone for answers until I realized that the only person who could provide me with the true answers were myself.....

So I made the agonizing decision to leave my very traditional, perfect planned life, I abandoned "good girl trey" and I took the road less travelled....

My decision to leave and choose to live my life~ my way, left many people hurt, devastated, disappointed and many questioned my sanity. I even questioned my sanity! I was scared. Yet I stepped into the darkness with just a small hope that somewhere I would find some light. I prayed for guidance and I knew that I had to have faith because there was a part of me that knew if I continued on the path that others wanted for me I would die before I completed the journey. So I followed my gut. Believed that I had to be willing to "disappoint others to remain true to myself..."

This decision to leave and disappoint others was one of the most bravest things that I had ever done in my life. Yet, this decision later turned out to be one of my most fruitful, life changing decisions both professionally and personally. It showed me my worth, allowed me to truly live with passion. l learnt what it meant to truly love, laugh and cry. Too actually be ok with my feelings and desires to want MORE.... and to believe that I deserved MORE....

Ten years ago I learnt....

• "This too shall pass......" Time does heal all wounds and sometimes you have to sit with pain, disappointment and hurt so you will know what true joy feels like when it comes through your door!
• Sometimes you may hurt others but the worst thing that you can do is hurt yourself by staying in a situation that does not serve your highest good.
• People will get extremely angry when you mess up the order that they have planned for your life because when you truly start living your life it forces others to really take a look at their own lives and start living it accordingly.
  
• When you hit rock bottom the only place you can go is straight to the top. But be willing to take your time to climb slowly to the top and the views up there are amazing!
  

So, as I write down my goals for 2010, as I make plans to make some huge shifts both professionally and personally I now sit with the same thoughts that I did nearly a decade ago. I sit with the same fears... And again others are already questioning why do I desire more? Again, I'm questioning my sanity.

Yet i know it's time again for me to take the path less travelled. It's time for me to walk through fear, get out of my comfort zone. I must be willing to disappoint others to remain true to myself. I must listen to my gut. I must remain TRUE to myself.

I wish for you in 2010 what I wish for myself to live your life with passion, Truth, and lots of love and laughter.

I also wanted to take this time to thank you for "following" my life, my thoughts, and working through my issues with me. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feedback with me. This blog has really been therapeutic and I love having this connection with so many of you. Someone to work out the &*%$! with. I see my blog as a community support group~Even an international support group! A big shout out to my followers in India, South Africa and Ireland! And from many of your responses, personal emails and stories I realize that I'm not alone in some of my many "issues!" lol. Make 2010 your big tings year!

blessings

t

something to think about

I've been in L.a now nearly a week. I love L.a! The weather, the people~ who I am in L.a. I think I'm much more hopeful when I'm in L.a. I dream bigger. Laugh louder. Love deeper. I'm kinder to myself, carefree, joyous, open. I give myself permission to have delicious lunches, long conversations, I have writing days with my friends. They come over and we spend most of the day chatting but we also write and read each others work. I love this! I've heard so many deep and personal stories. I love listening to them, learning more about my friends. I eat tacos. I sit in my p.j's outside every morning. I watch countless episodes of 20/20 on line. I talk to my mother. Indulge endless long conversations from my grandmother. I laugh at myself. Laugh at my family. Laugh at life. I think. I really think. I try to listen to my heart~ I sit outside and I write. Have way too many chai lattes. I listen to the birds, I listen.... really listen to myself. I think some more.... I read. I indulge me. I wake up every morning feeling blessed.

My Toronto friends laugh that I choose L.a for my "get a way." They think I will get caught up in the L.a industry game but I don't. I take meetings of course! I pitch, I meet and I meet and I meet..... La people love to have meetings! I've taken four meetings in the last five days!

But I now have such a clear sense of myself and my worth that I don't go into these meetings desperate for approval, desperate to be chosen. I go into these meetings aware that I am special, I have something to offer and if i am not picked or chosen I have chosen myself..... will choose to choose myself.

How times have changed... for many years I did not choose myself. Wanted others to pick me. Tell me that I was worthy, lovable and enough.... did so many desperate and unhealthy things in order to make people love me. Make them pick me please....

So I'm thankful that I'm now in L.a at this time in my life. I sometimes wonder if I had chosen to come to L.a when I was in my early twenties what would that have looked liked for me, because I would have been so desperate. Taken anything. Choose to be what this industry told me I needed to be. Now I can politely say no thank you, walk away...Know that they are not personally rejecting me but they are not ready to see the vision~the trey vision. The higher vision of myself and what I am choosing to offer the world. So everything happens in due time. My time is now and I'm thankful truly thankful for having this time.

So last week's our lesson was to listen more... how did that go for you? Let me know. I love getting your comments and feedback.

Our lesson this week~Do you love and approve of yourself? Think....do you truly like who you are, would you pick yourself? ummm.... a scary one. Let me know.

take care.

t

by request

Hey folks I have gotten requests for poetry. And yes it's been awhile since i have written. Shared new poetry. So here you go.

The haunting....

There are moments. Moments that define you. You remember. Even though you joke and say you have a bad memory. Can't remember names, what you had for dinner last night. Write groceries lists so you will remember carton of soy milk, bread to be eaten. chai tea. Lists of life to remind you of your favourite things. So you won't forget~ some things can't be forgotten.
You remember. Remember "the" moment when changed. Changed forever by the simple~ enormous~ quiet~ entry of you. changed by a simple hi, a smile. A touch. You remember a body memory. It has been awaken~no longer dormant. You remember. Painfully aware of presence even when you are not there.
chocolate eaten in the dark. Glasses of red wine. Difficult conversation. demanding honesty. tears. Resisting what you are saying even as you state it. Cannot match intense gaze. must remember to look away. the "Right" words tumble out of mouth ~drown sadly into uneaten soup.
walk. quickly. away. Do not look back.
Backwards~ and you know you would stay. Feel more.
Feelings shape into memories. You fly a thousand miles. So you won't remember.
Even in your safe space. you are not safe. writing things that should be forgotten.
you are here. Present. remembered.
You forget to write lists. Forget your favourite things. Want to forget but you remember....
memories keep you up at night.

Praying for your "enemies", blessing them. Is it possible?

Lately, I have been disappointed by someone and I have felt a great sense of betrayal and hurt. Initially, my reaction was to "fight back" and prove that I am right on this. And I have gone over different conversations in my head with this individual and tried to really see how we have reached this place. I have felt a need to call family and friends to prove my point! And it has taken up a lot of my energy. Yesterday, I went to the Verity Centre for better living, which is a wonderful spiritual centre that my partner and I have been recently attending. The pastor, Evan W. Reid is dynamic! I would encourage you to attend if you are looking for a place to grow spiritually and emotionally.

This week the pastor made a very profound statement and he said, "when your 'enemies' plant weeds in your garden use the dandelions to make a healing medicine for yourself... bless them because they have come to bring more awareness to yourself, giving you a chance to heal yourself...." It was an enlightening moment for myself when he proceeded to talk about taking that 'enemy' and shining light on them, giving them good energy and blessing them. I was skeptical but I did it. And when I did this, I immediately felt lighter, I felt that there was no need for me to give "this" anymore worry or cause of concern. No need to engage in conversations with others about proving how "right" I am. No need to wait for an apology. Our time has passed. Our journey over. And I truly wish this individual goodness because I wish goodness for myself.

So when I got back from the centre, another friend called leaving a message to give me the "update" on what this individual's point of view was. And for me it was no longer an issue. No need to talk about it. No need to see who was right or wrong. It was over. I had given it my energy, which was to give it "light."

Thus, I am aware of how much I have grown spiritually. The old me would have been vex for years! I would have sat on the phone and chat them till their ears burn! I would have silently plotted my revenge and kissed my teeth every time their name came up!

And now, I am surprised at how easy it is for me to just let things and people go... It doesn't mean that I don't love or care about them. I do. But I recognize not everyone in my life needs to play a central role in my life. I can love them from a distance. Pray for them and bless them.

Thus, I shine light upon you my friend. Walk good!

Here's a song that i really have been enjoying in my spiritual journey I hope you like it as much as I do. A note to God...

You better look busy-God is coming!

The closing of a show is similar to the ending of a relationship. You remember the good times and the bad. You think I would do it all over again maybe? Maybe differently...... You think about what's next? Where do I go from here? And some days you feel weepy, relieved, sad, and moments of happiness that it's all over!

I want to thank everyone for all their support and love. This couldn't have happened without you.

Yet, the closing of Secrets marks a huge turning point in my life. It is a completion of a goal. A few years ago, I had read somewhere that people who write down their goals have 80% chance of achieving them, then people who don't. Since then I have been writing down my goals and conducting a mental review of them in my head...so I thought. Yesterday on the train, on my way into work, I looked back on my journal of goals that I had written for myself. Goals which I wanted to achieve for 2009. It was quite shocking. I had not reviewed my goals since writing them down January 1, 2009. Surprisingly, many of my business goals I had met and surpassed. Yet, nearly all of my personal goals I had not even started. I had written down that I would like to go to the movies once per month with my partner. That has not happened. I said I would call my father once per month that has not happened. I said I would visit my family more and spend more quality time with my friends and that has not happened. Well that kinda somewhat happened.... my family came over for the opening of Secrets and I was so grateful to have that time to spend with my mom and my sister. I think it brought us closer as a family and I was so grateful to have my mom's support and help during Secrets.

And my favourite person in the world came over, cousin Sheron, all the way from England. She spent ten days! Ten days of laughter, jokes, eating English biscuits and chocolate and I would not trade that time for anything else in the world. Yet I realized that before this visit I had not spoken to my cousin in nearly two years! Not good enough!

And now I'm here. Secrets has closed and I'm feeling proud but really burnt out. Really tired. And I realize once again I have not created balance in my life. Business has taken over. I have not nurtured myself, or my personal relationships!

People keep asking me, so trey what's next? I feel myself caving into the pressure. Feeling that I need to "look" busy again. And yet my body is aching, my back is screaming and I'm tired. So for the next two months in order to fulfill my personal 2009 goals I'm going to actively work on them! Thus, I'm going to work a short work week. I'm going to go into the office three days per week and the other two days I'm going to work on my personal goals. I'm going to go and visit my sister. I'm going to take my partner to the movies. I'm going to call my cousin. Make peace with my Dad and just take some time for myself and those that I love.....

So folks that's what's next---I'm going to really LIVE!

People ask me all the time what exactly do I do for Secrets? What is my role? I tell them I'm the Executive Producer. This is usually greeted with a blank stare....

It's hard to really define what I do in a nut shell. But I will say my main role has been ensuring that this play happens by any and all means necessary. Yes I'm the Malcolm X of theatre! We were turned down by nearly every arts council in Canada for funding, and maybe the thoughts of seeing six black men being on stage in non-stereotypical roles just weren't appealing to them. So after firing off a passionate (I like passionate instead of angry email) to the arts councils telling them that I didn't need their damn money that I would do the shit myself! I realized, "hey trey you've got to do this shit yourself!" That's when I realized it's sink or swim time!

Financing this project has been a huge commitment, one of my biggest financial commitments next to my mortgage! My mom who is a real estate agent in Florida told me that houses are now selling there for $80,000 to $130,000. I had to admit for a moment my stomach hit the floor when I realized I could have bought a summer house in Florida instead I decided to finance my brother's play! On paper it doesn't sound smart but in my heart, soul and everything within me, it feels like the right thing to do.
Why, because I believe in this. And I believe we have to take risks. Risks that make no sense to anyone.

My other role as Executive Producer is to ensure that I hire the right people to execute Darren, the playwright's vision. Yesterday I was in the studio listening to the music that has been created for Secrets and I nearly wept with joy. We have a team of creative geniuses. Genius is not a word I use lightly. But I will use it in this case even capitalize it. GENIUS. Many of Toronto's best kept secrets, are working on Secrets. *No pun intended*.

Brilliant minds, filled with passion. One of the things that I know about myself is I want people around me who want to think outside the box, want to take a chance, want to create, people who live and breathe innovation. People who are teaching me something new every day. I'm a talent whore! I want people around who blow me away by their talent! People who if I had it, I would pay them even more than their standard contract fees because they are so great at what they do! My job as Executive Producer, is to hire them and get out of their way! This has been challenging for me because I'm a bit of a control freak. I love to give my opinions. I love to have the last word. I love to think that my way is the best way. But I am learning to let people do their jobs! Once again I rely on my faith. Faith to know that the universe has brought us all together to create something wonderful.

My other role which I think has been one of the hardest is to let everyone know that they are appreciated and that this is a team effort. A lot of the time I get all the fame and the glory but I roll deep! Translation for my mom who reads my blog: I got a strong team behind me!
And as a leader I want to ensure that everyone on my team feels that without them none of this would be possible. From the interns who run out to grab me lunch because I've forgotten to eat because I've been in meetings all day with sponsors- I thank you. Brittney who designed this wonderful blog and given me an outlet to vent. The marketing team including the cast, who hit the pavement with their fliers and Secrets t-shirts. My bookkeeper who manages to somehow find the extra $300 dollars so we can buy God knows what now!!! Our "branding" wizard Marc who does it for the love because for sure it can't be the money! Beth, Jackie, and Erika who meet with me weekly and continuously ask, "trey what can we take off your plate.... " I love you for that.
Krystle, Krista, my assistants and silver lining team who always see the sun through the clouds. Kimahli for always pulling another trick out of his sleeve to make words jump off the page and come alive on stage! All the designers and the folks behind the scenes who are are bringing this show to another level I can't express my gratitude and awe at what you do. And Darren... my "little" brother Darren his six-foot-three self leans over to my five-foot-one self and says to me, "I know I'm in good hands" Little brother, your faith in me makes me know I cannot fail.

I "work" sixteen hours days seven days a week. But I love what I do because I love the people I work with. I always say to my staff anytime this starts to feel like "work" do us all a favor and leave! I want you here but I want you to WANT to be here. I want you a part of this team because this is the only place that you want to be. And being a part of Secrets is the only place I want to be.
So I don't have a summer house in Florida but I got a lot more.....

down to the wire

Today is exactly one month until Secrets opens. This is huge! I fluctuate between great anxiety, joy, tears and laughter. I also feel as though for the last few months I have been entrapped in P.M.S. My emotions are everywhere. Some days I feel really powerful meeting with business owners and various sponsors and then there are days while I'm searching for a pen to go into a meeting, I burst into tears. This is too much effort that I am now required to search for a pen! Hysteria at it's finest. Yet lately, I have been affirming an affirmation that seems to help, it goes like this, "Today I will laugh at the world and most of all I will laugh at myself." I got this affirmation from a book that I'm presently reading called,
The greatest Salesman in the World." by Og Mandino. I like it because it reminds me to not take myself so seriously. That I'm human. I will have good days and bad days. That this too shall pass....Just yesterday I was laughing with friends over an incident that took place at my high school graduation. My "date" at the graduation dinner told me I looked fat in my dress! I promptly left the table and went into the coat closet and cried, I was DEVASTATED! After being missing in action for nearly forty five minutes, my best friend Rachael came to look for me and found me in the coat closet, nose dripping, eyes swollen and refusing to come out of the closet. Thinking that if I skipped dinner at least I would be a little bit slimmer. I also thought that at age seventeen my life was officially over! The thoughtless and insensitive words of a pimple face seventeen year old kid was going to destroy my life for ever. Seventeen years later, Rachael and I are sharing this story with friends who are killing themselves laughing. I am dying of laughter reciting the story and I am reminded of my favourite affirmation, this too shall pass....how things which seemed so devastating and significant can become moments of great laughter if you allow yourself. My friends all laugh at my story. I laugh at myself. Laugh at the little girl who hid in a coat closet on prom night and today I laugh at the grown woman who has a melt down because she can't find a pen. I laugh especially at men who dismiss me in business meetings, I laugh instead of crying when people say thoughtless and insensitive things to me. I laugh at those who tells me my dreams are impossible.... I laugh. I laugh at life. I laugh at me. I Iaugh really loudly. People have told me I have a distinct laugh, that they love to hear me laugh.... So I laugh more often, I encourage you to do the same.

trey anthony: an introduction

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

I’ve gone out on a limb. Producing Secrets of a Black Boy has been one of my most rewarding accomplishments but also one of the most fearful experiences of my life. I have put a lot of money, a lot of faith in a community to buy tickets, a lot of faith in a relatively unknown cast, a lot of faith in a very small producing team, a lot of faith in my own ability to produce quality theatre. And constantly there’s that little “Voice” ---you know what I’m talking about, that “VOICE” that questions and demands to know, “Who the hell do you think you are?”

Sometimes I defiantly answer back, “I’m a little black girl from Rexdale who had a dream to have her own TV show, a dream to produce quality theatre. I’m the little black girl who wants to dream beyond my circumstances. I’m the little black girl who is brave, strong, and yet kind. I’m a little black girl who wants to see herself and her experiences reflected authentically on stage! That’s who the HELL I AM”

Yet sometimes when that VOICE demands to know, “Who the hell do you think you are?” I shudder. I cry. I wonder and I question. Scared that I’m too bold. Scared of public failure. Scared of not being good enough. And I want to curl up in a ball and not come out of bed for weeks. And I look in the mirror and I don’t see a grown confident woman but a small frighten little girl. It’s on those days that I’m kinder to myself. I pray a lot, affirm, and look myself in the mirror and say, “trey you are doing your best.” I remind myself of all that I have accomplished. Accomplished things that many thought were impossible. And I remind myself that it would be harder for me to give up than to keep pursuing my dreams. That I must walk through fear. Actually dive into it. I must dream bigger than my circumstances. I need to keep doing the “Work” to show others that it’s possible to dream. There is no safety net. I must fly, no, I must soar...