The black Rapist next door!

So it's Monday evening 6pm, it's dark outside. I'm alone on a quiet dim lit street in a middle class neighbourhood. I'm walking my dog. I'm black. Female. Five feet two. I'm about ten feet away from my friend's home who I'm house sitting for and I notice footsteps behind me. They are getting closer. Rushing footsteps. I turn around. I notice a young black guy about six three, with a hoody on. Head down. Maybe he's trying to shield himself from the cold or maybe..... something more. Something more sinister. My heart begins to beat faster. Maybe he's trying to hide his face i wonder? My heart races. I quicken my step. He quicken his. step. I'm getting nervous no one is around. I'm now about five feet away from "home."

There's a young black guy with a hoody on, his face down. Steps behind me. I race to my door, keys out. I try to remember everything that i have learnt in self-defense class. Oh but it was so many years ago! Yet, I'm prepared to scream, kick, yell. I will gouge his eyes out with my keys. I will kick him in the nuts! He won't take me down without a fight. I'm ready! I race to the door. Running. Hands shaking. He starts running as well! I open the door slam it shut. I'm safe! I think~Yet he runs towards the house, I think he's going to try and smash through the door, yet he abruptly runs down the adjoining alleyway between my "home" and the neighbors. I know what he's going to do! He's going to smash the side window and break into the house. He's going to rape me! I'm in extreme panic. I don't know who to call! I grab my phone quickly my first instincts are to call my friends. No one answers. I glance out the window I don't see him, yet i know he's there. I sense him. I'm going to call 911! I need the police! As I'm about to call my phone rings, it's my friend who owns the house. She had just seen my number on her phone, is everything ok? I quickly explain. Describing my would be "attacker," should I call the police! She laughs. "Oh that's the neighbour's son he lives next door he uses the side door because he lives in the basement." My heart stops racing. My hands stop trembling. Shame overtakes me. My friend laughs. More shame. She responds. "Man you don't want to be the black girl who calls the cops on an innocent black guy!" Shame washes over me. An innocent young black guy just going home and yet he had become the "rapist."

Me, who should have known better, Miss, black feminist, social activist. The person who just produced a play called Secrets of a black boy which deals with the stereotypes of black men! I feel shame. I think of all the great black men in my life. The ones who have loved me and I have loved them fiercely back. Defending their honour viciously to anyone who wants to label them anything but good black men!

At the top of my "good black men list" is my brother whom I love dearly, probably the same age as the "rapist" next door. My brother wears a hoody when it's cold, wraps his scarf around his face. I wonder how many times women have mistaken him for a rapist when he's walking down Landsdowne, probably around midnight on the way to his night shift job. Maybe he's walking a bit faster because he's late for work or maybe he's just cold.....

I also think of the worst possibilities, what if i was a white woman who called the cops and described exactly the scenario of what happened, a black young guy, "following me", rushing down a dark alleyway, would they rush over, pin my "rapist" over the hood of a cop car, arrest him.... I don't know.

Yet as I sit with these thoughts, I also wonder, would I have reacted the same way if he was a young white man "following" me? What if he was a young white man in a business suit? Would I have felt just as threatened? Would I have felt threatened if he was a young white kid in baggy jeans and a hoody on? I want to believe that my reaction would have been the same....but I'm not so sure. I'm not certain. And this uncertainty bothers me. Doesn't sit well with me.

I can't help but think about the countless black men who sit behind bars, for being so called "suspects." How many innocent black men have been jailed. I recall the case of James Bain. A florida man who spent 35 years in prison for a crime he did not commit. James Bain, who is now 54 years-old, was convicted of kidnapping and raping a nine-year-old boy in 1974. The young boy recognised Mr Bain as his attacker, but there was no technical evidence.

Bain's alibi that he was watching television with his twin sister was dismissed. Through out the years Mr Bain always maintained that he was innocent. Recently a DNA test has proved his innocence! There are so many other cases like James Bain. How many of the wrongly convicted just happen to be black men?

And to make myself feel better I want to truly believe that I reacted from a place of fear and self-preservation as a young womyn trying to protect herself. I want to believe that race didn't factor into this at all. I want to believe that I wasn't influenced by the daily media diet, of black men's faces sprawled across newspaper headlines and t.v stations that label them "rapist", murderer, BAD ~someone to fear did not affect my reaction. I want to believe this I do! I want to believe that I know better! That I would never fear a black man! I have no need to fear black men!

Because I have a brother a black brother. A brother I love fiercely. A gentle giant. A good "kid." Six three, who sometimes wears a hoody. And sometimes covers his face when it's cold. I have a brother. A black brother......

* I welcome your feedback on this one....

it was the "perfect life" except it wasn't mine!

Happy New Year! I can't believe it's 2010! So much has happened!

Ten years ago I called off an engagement to my high school sweetheart. He was a wonderful, kind, loving man. Sexy as hell! He was the "perfect guy." We had bought a house, we were in the middle of planning a wedding. Our family and friend were excited! We had our entire lives planned out the only problem was, I wasn't sure if this is what I wanted for my life.... The more excited everyone got about my so called "perfect life," the bigger the knot grew in my stomach that something wasn't quite right... I knew I wanted more. I wanted to live my life with passion. I wanted to really live! My desire to really LIVE kept me up at night. Had me on the phone with my best friend late at night questioning the true meaning of life. Left me on a therapist couch once per week trying to figure all the S^%$ out! I went to everyone for answers until I realized that the only person who could provide me with the true answers were myself.....

So I made the agonizing decision to leave my very traditional, perfect planned life, I abandoned "good girl trey" and I took the road less travelled....

My decision to leave and choose to live my life~ my way, left many people hurt, devastated, disappointed and many questioned my sanity. I even questioned my sanity! I was scared. Yet I stepped into the darkness with just a small hope that somewhere I would find some light. I prayed for guidance and I knew that I had to have faith because there was a part of me that knew if I continued on the path that others wanted for me I would die before I completed the journey. So I followed my gut. Believed that I had to be willing to "disappoint others to remain true to myself..."

This decision to leave and disappoint others was one of the most bravest things that I had ever done in my life. Yet, this decision later turned out to be one of my most fruitful, life changing decisions both professionally and personally. It showed me my worth, allowed me to truly live with passion. l learnt what it meant to truly love, laugh and cry. Too actually be ok with my feelings and desires to want MORE.... and to believe that I deserved MORE....

Ten years ago I learnt....

• "This too shall pass......" Time does heal all wounds and sometimes you have to sit with pain, disappointment and hurt so you will know what true joy feels like when it comes through your door!
• Sometimes you may hurt others but the worst thing that you can do is hurt yourself by staying in a situation that does not serve your highest good.
• People will get extremely angry when you mess up the order that they have planned for your life because when you truly start living your life it forces others to really take a look at their own lives and start living it accordingly.
  
• When you hit rock bottom the only place you can go is straight to the top. But be willing to take your time to climb slowly to the top and the views up there are amazing!
  

So, as I write down my goals for 2010, as I make plans to make some huge shifts both professionally and personally I now sit with the same thoughts that I did nearly a decade ago. I sit with the same fears... And again others are already questioning why do I desire more? Again, I'm questioning my sanity.

Yet i know it's time again for me to take the path less travelled. It's time for me to walk through fear, get out of my comfort zone. I must be willing to disappoint others to remain true to myself. I must listen to my gut. I must remain TRUE to myself.

I wish for you in 2010 what I wish for myself to live your life with passion, Truth, and lots of love and laughter.

I also wanted to take this time to thank you for "following" my life, my thoughts, and working through my issues with me. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feedback with me. This blog has really been therapeutic and I love having this connection with so many of you. Someone to work out the &*%$! with. I see my blog as a community support group~Even an international support group! A big shout out to my followers in India, South Africa and Ireland! And from many of your responses, personal emails and stories I realize that I'm not alone in some of my many "issues!" lol. Make 2010 your big tings year!

blessings

t

Perky Boobs for Xmas!

I want perky boobs. Boobs that I can run down the street in a white tank top, no bra, and they would stay in place. Nipples always erect like Farrah Fawcett~ before she died. I think I should be the first black Charlie's Angel. I also want a flat stomach so I can ditch my spanx, throw out my ten million armor body girdles, and just walk around naked with my abs of steel and perky boobs. And if I could please not have any back fat! I think back fat definitely spoils my sexy white tank top look. And to match my sexy white tank top I want to wear white short shorts that barely cover my ass. Oh but I forgot to mention I also want an ass, an ass that you can bounce a quarter off of. An ass that if I turned any street corner you would see my ass coming before you see me! I'm writing Santa a list and I'm gonna see what shows up under my tree!

But seriously, anyone who truly knows me knows I have struggled with body issues all my life. The chubby kid who grew up to be the fat adult, yet somewhere inside this "fat" body there was a skinny chick throwing up the sandwich and chocolate cake--- screaming to get out!

I don't like my body. Not a big fan of her at all. I wouldn't willingly sign up for THIS or order this body. I would demand a refund. I really really really.... don't like my body. I said it. Miss "feminist," burn your bra, loving all womyn and all of our sizes, miss trey anthony doesn't like her body! And believe me, I've really tried to practice what I preach, to other womyn about being okay with yourself. Loving yourself at whatever size you are. Embracing all of you. And I truly believe all of that. I really do. I just wish I could believe it for myself! And my non belief has made me do some really mean and unhealthy things to myself in order to achieve the "perfect" body. I don't think that's there's a diet that I haven't tried. The grapefruit diet, the cabbage soup diet, Jenny's, Weight Watchers, Bernstein's, two shakes a day or was it three?

And at my heaviest of nearly 235 lbs and a size 18, I took the drastic step of having lap band surgery. I lost over 100 lbs. Yet, before the surgery I thought once I got down to a size 12 I'll be happy. Then it was a size 10, then a size 8, and now I'm a size 7 striving for a size 5/6 yet the same issues that I had with my body at size 18 still remain... I think I'm even more critical. So I'm trying a new approach. I think I've had a mini breakthrough.

I'm working on getting my body stronger and not smaller. I want to be able to run at a 6.0 on the treadmill for thirty minutes and not feel like I'm going into cardiac arrest. I want to be able to do 50 pushups, in less than 40 seconds, effortlessly lift 15lb weights and not cry out for my mother! I want to be a strong, toned athlete.

I'm also listening to how I speak to my body. Putting that little/BIG "Voice" in my head on censorship. I've told that "Voice" that she can no longer call trey fat, or fat ass or compare her to other "perfect" womyn.....

In my bootcamp class, which I'm now going five days a week, I no longer listen to that "Voice" which yells that everyone is running way faster than me. I don't listen to that "Voice" that tells me to notice, that everyone in the class is much prettier and skinnier than me! I don't hear that "Voice" laughing that everyone is looking at my fat-- flat ass jogging on a treadmill. I shut the little anorexic down throw her a damn sandwich! Tell her to shut the f%^&* up!

Instead, as I run I affirm, "trey your body is strong, today trey you're doing your best."

I promise myself that I'm going to run just a bit faster than yesterday. I affirm, "trey, you are doing something good and healthy for your body."

I don't allow myself to focus on the fact, I'm not running the minimum speeds that the instructor demands. Or that my arms turn to jello, lifting even at the minimum weights! And I definitely, don't focus on the size O girl who's an "actress", oh sorry I mistook you for a stripper! In your sexy white tank top, white short shorts, and perky DDD, boobs with erect nipples of course! Okay I lied! I focus on her a little bit, but I eventually shift my focus, back to the fact that every day I'm doing just a little bit better than I was yesterday. Running a bit faster. Feeling a bit stronger!

Trey on Oprah!! Coming to a t.v near you!

Friends, family and fans have all called, emailed, and 'facebooked' me to ask what am I going to do now that Oprah is leaving television? I have been asked for my reaction and of course what this now means for me~because everyone knows that my dream is to be a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show. My response about Oprah leaving her show is, this is not about me at all..... It's about a womyn who has made a decision to do what is best for her. Made a decision to honour her spirit and her life and she has the wisdom to know when to say goodbye. Also how to say goodbye gracefully. Something I'm still working on!

Yet , I will miss Oprah, I grew up with her. Feel as if Oprah mothered me from a distance. When my mom had no choice but to work her two jobs, and Ieave us home alone, Oprah kept my company at 4pm every afternoon. She made me feel safe to be home alone.... I think she raised many latch key kids. Made many of us feel as if we had a mother waiting at home for us.....

She is a "Mother", she is a hope, and dream-maker. Made me believe that any DREAM is possible! Made me believe that I could be on T.V, gave me HOPE that the world would be ready for some one who looks like me. She was the first black womyn I ever saw on T.V. She will always be my "First Lady." I will miss her. Oprah is family. She raised a nation. Raised me....

So I hear the unanswered question rumbling around, "So trey, how are you going to be on Oprah now that she is leaving?"

My response~ soon. I know this. I see this. I believe it. I want it. I know the Universe will conspire in the next eighteen months to make this happen. I'm sure of this. I have faith. Just in the same way I knew I would meet her when she came to Toronto. It made no sense to anyone but I knew it. Had faith. And I prayed on it and when I got discouraged I called on the Lord and I said, God you brought her all this way here and you're not going to make me meet her? And then God showed me that with him anything is possible and the rest is herstory, you all know what happened!

Out of hundreds of people watching a movie, the Spirit moved me to leave that theatre, Spirit made me take my time to pull down my girdle and spanx :) and Spirit made me bump into Oprah Winfrey in a washroom and hand her my DVD! Because when Spirit is on your side and it is suppose to happen it will happen! I'm a true believer that Spirit works through me. It works through all of us, if we have faith and just take the time to really Listen. And there is no rhyme or reason to Spirit's work. Just have faith....

So, I have faith that in the next eighteen months I will be sitting on the stage of the Oprah Winfrey Show. Crazy, maybe? But years ago if someone said, a little black poor girl, named Oprah Winfrey, would become one of the most influential womyn in the world we would all think that was crazy~ Oprah made crazy seem possible!

if you havent heard the news, watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq56TcZNBC8

horse shoe up my ass?

Being here in L.a has brought up many interesting conversations between my friends, family and acquaintances. My decision to move to L.a to write for two months or maybe even longer has been met with many verbal expressions of "Wow, you're so lucky, that you can do that" or a sarcastic, " It must be nice!" or my favourite one is "Good stuff always happens to you!"

And I've had to really sit down and think about these statements because I realize that most people function from a place of good things only happen to "certain people" or only "lucky people" have good lives. And I've been thinking lately am I really more "lucky" than most~ My best friend always jokes that, I have a horse shoe up my ass!

And in some moments I have experienced a tremendous sense of guilt around my so called "luck"~ especially when people express to me, "Oh what a life of luxury you lead, you're going away to write for two months while I'm slaving away here!"

Yet I realize I have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm not more "lucky" than most. What I am is a visionary, I put my life into motion to get what I want. I don't make my life control me I control my life. I don't think things "just happen".... I think you have to set things in motion for them to happen. You have a choice in what happens to your life! A choice!

And I know many of you will argue this point with me and that's fine-bring it on!! Because if you truly believed you had a choice in what happens in your life it would force you to really start to make some changes! So of course it's much easier for you to sit and dwell on the "lucky folks." * yes i know that statement is going to hit a nerve! I'm just keeping IT REAL!

Because I believe most of us function from a place of REACTING to life's circumstances instead of being PROACTIVE in our own lives. We wait for our lives to start, wait for "lady luck" to walk by so we can grab her, if we are "lucky" enough! And of course we always think maybe... some day I'll do that......SOME DAY?? No today is the day!

I've made a promise to myself and it's my daily mantra, that I'm going to live the life that I want. And the life that I want, is to be able to go away for two months to write in hot weather! It's as simple as that. And no, throughout my life I didn't have anymore "lucky" breaks than anyone else.

I was born into a working class family, raised by a single mom, lived quite an "ordinary" life and nothing was ever given to me that I haven't worked hard for. And I think if you ask any of my friends and family who knew me before I became "The" trey anthony I think all of them would talk about my tremendous work ethic. How I will do the work necessary and then some to get things done or to have the things that I want! One of my favourite sayings that my grandmother always stated to me was, " To have the life that most people want, you must be willing to do the work that most people won't."

And I have done the "work" and continue to do so. Some of my jobs have included cleaning toilets, emptying garbages, cleaning people's floors on my hands and knees, running for coffee, picking up people's dry cleaning, cleaning people's homes, I've worked in a sock factory on an assembly line during the week so I could have my weekends free to do standup at comedy clubs, I did coat check at a night club till 4am in the morning and took the bus home, alone, scared and tired~ I have done backbreaking, humbling jobs to get to where I am today....... trust me when the bio pic comes out about my life you will be surprised at what "work" I have done..... And yes I also realize that many of us continue to toil at these jobs daily and I'm "lucky" that I no longer have to do these things....

Yet, I've worked very hard for everything that I have. And when my partner and I made the decision to go away for two months, we put the wheels in motion to make that happen. So we chose to work twelve-fourteen hour days, so we could "bank" the necessary money for this trip. Earlier in the year, we chose to give up an expensive mortgage on a very convenient, beautiful, downtown condo and move to a smaller, simpler home, where it took me nearly 45 mins to get into work and yes I took the TTC! The Wilson bus to be exact because it was cheaper than driving into downtown every day and paying for parking. And yes it was "embarrassing" for me to bump into fans on the TTC bus! But I put my ego aside and did what was necessary. And I had to question myself on why I felt embarrassed..... I was doing what I had to do to make a dream come true. I did all of that, so we could "save" the money for L.a. I also chose to not buy expensive designer jeans or shoes and went to Zellers to buy many an outfit for opening night events! Actually the top that I was wearing when I met Oprah cost $14.99 at Zellers, the leather jacket cost me $25 and it was second hand, or to make myself better I'll call it vintage! lol! And I wore it proudly at the Toronto Film Festival, the same festival where some of my industry peers were getting designer gowns made! And I got many a compliment on my outfit!

I did all of this because I knew where I wanted to be at the end of the year. My friends joke a lot about how "cheap" I am. And yes I am cheap because my "cheapness" affords me the life that I want to live..... And I regularly go over my personal and business budget so I can cut out things in order, to later have the things that I truly want. I don't keep up with the "Jones'" I keep up with me!

And most of all before I got to L.a I daily visioned and manifested that I would be in L.a writing outside in the hot sunshine. I chose to see the abundance and not the lack. I didn't complain that I wouldn't have the money to do it. I just focused on what I had and how could I make this possible? And I truly think that is the difference between me and a lot of people. Even in the days when I had $20 in my bank account, or while working as an intern for the Chris Rock Show in New York and only being able to "treat" myself to a $1 hot dog for lunch once a week, I always focused on the abundance not the lack. And I worked with what I had to make things happen and I always envisioned my life the way that I wanted to live it!

So a new year is coming and I hear many people around me making all these grand statements of, "Well in the new year, I'm going to do this, or that...." I think to myself, why not start now? Live your life. Live the life you want to live. Stop making excuses and thinking good things only happen to certain people and not you! Be thankful for what you have, feel blessed for every opportunity, however, create more opportunities for yourself and I would encourage you to fill your life with positive thoughts, positive books, positive people and manifest the life that you want. It is possible to have the life you want~I'm living proof of that.

get rich or die trying?

I love reading! At bedtime, when I was small I use to hide under the covers with a flashlight to finish off a book. I think that's why I'm now blind as a bat! Are bats really blind? Anyway, people are always amazed by how much I read. I read two or three books a week. I can get lost in a book and I love to hear what my friends are reading. Last week I met with a wonderful, dynamic womyn who works in the entertainment industry. She suggested that I read the book, Do you, by Russell Simmons. A great pick! I'm truly enjoying this book and I would recommend it to everyone! I'm on chapter three and I'm just loving it! Russell is the brains behind Def Jam Records, Phat Farm, Def comedy Jam, Def Poetry Jam on Broadway. I thought this book would be all about how he did it.... but it's not. It's really about his code of ethnics and how he governs his life and I must admit I was surprised. I guess we all have stereotypes in our head of what we think we "know" about people and what they would be like. And I must admit I thought it would be a book on how to "play the game," make a lot of money, get rich or die trying, kind of hype! So I was a bit skeptical if this would be a book for me but I thought why not give it a try.

I would never have thought that a hip hop mogul would have such life-changing philosophies and such great moral conduct. And I had to question myself on that... Why I would automatically assume that a hip hop mogul wouldn't have a code of ethics that he lived by?? I can't believe I bought into the hype and stereotypes of black men in hip hop! But i did. Shamefully i did....

So the more I read about Russell Simmons, the more impressed I was. One of the things which really impressed me was his vision of himself and his dreams. During many of his business ventures, he lost millions of dollars, many people didn't see his vision and didn't believe in him, but he kept on. A quote from his book that I love is,

"What holds most people back, isn't the quality of their ideas, but a lack of faith in themselves. Whatever dream you're following, people will always tell you, " You can't do this, or you'll never be able to do that!" But you can do it. The world belongs to people who say, "I can!"

I can. Wow. How life changing are those words? I can. If you believe that, the world belongs to you! I truly believe that. Do you? Being here in L.a I'm really taking the time to keep a clear vision of myself, my dreams, and the "noise" in my head. What things I believe of myself and how to not let anyone discourage me. I'm taking control of my dreams, my vision and I keep just pushing on, pursuing~believing that the world belongs to me!

blessings

t

something to think about

I've been in L.a now nearly a week. I love L.a! The weather, the people~ who I am in L.a. I think I'm much more hopeful when I'm in L.a. I dream bigger. Laugh louder. Love deeper. I'm kinder to myself, carefree, joyous, open. I give myself permission to have delicious lunches, long conversations, I have writing days with my friends. They come over and we spend most of the day chatting but we also write and read each others work. I love this! I've heard so many deep and personal stories. I love listening to them, learning more about my friends. I eat tacos. I sit in my p.j's outside every morning. I watch countless episodes of 20/20 on line. I talk to my mother. Indulge endless long conversations from my grandmother. I laugh at myself. Laugh at my family. Laugh at life. I think. I really think. I try to listen to my heart~ I sit outside and I write. Have way too many chai lattes. I listen to the birds, I listen.... really listen to myself. I think some more.... I read. I indulge me. I wake up every morning feeling blessed.

My Toronto friends laugh that I choose L.a for my "get a way." They think I will get caught up in the L.a industry game but I don't. I take meetings of course! I pitch, I meet and I meet and I meet..... La people love to have meetings! I've taken four meetings in the last five days!

But I now have such a clear sense of myself and my worth that I don't go into these meetings desperate for approval, desperate to be chosen. I go into these meetings aware that I am special, I have something to offer and if i am not picked or chosen I have chosen myself..... will choose to choose myself.

How times have changed... for many years I did not choose myself. Wanted others to pick me. Tell me that I was worthy, lovable and enough.... did so many desperate and unhealthy things in order to make people love me. Make them pick me please....

So I'm thankful that I'm now in L.a at this time in my life. I sometimes wonder if I had chosen to come to L.a when I was in my early twenties what would that have looked liked for me, because I would have been so desperate. Taken anything. Choose to be what this industry told me I needed to be. Now I can politely say no thank you, walk away...Know that they are not personally rejecting me but they are not ready to see the vision~the trey vision. The higher vision of myself and what I am choosing to offer the world. So everything happens in due time. My time is now and I'm thankful truly thankful for having this time.

So last week's our lesson was to listen more... how did that go for you? Let me know. I love getting your comments and feedback.

Our lesson this week~Do you love and approve of yourself? Think....do you truly like who you are, would you pick yourself? ummm.... a scary one. Let me know.

take care.

t

trey talks dirty! * mom don't read this blog!

So I know many of you come to this blog for inspiration, insight and my personal "deepness". Yada yada, yada...lol! but as i always say i'm just a regular girl trying to figure it out. And there are many sides of me, the deep side, the fun side, the dark side and now here is my naughty dirty side! I just watched this Trey Songz video and boy I had to post it! Thanks to my girl Krystle for giving me the heads up on this one! It was hot! It sure did it for me! lol! Made me want to take a shower! I'm thinking of creating a queer girl video in response! No? maybe? Got you thinking! lol but hey.... you'll get it when you see it! Mr Trey Songz, I feel proud that we shared the same name! It's a hot one not for the weak hearted. The man states that when he's finished you would think he INVENTED SEX. Enough said!

by request

Hey folks I have gotten requests for poetry. And yes it's been awhile since i have written. Shared new poetry. So here you go.

The haunting....

There are moments. Moments that define you. You remember. Even though you joke and say you have a bad memory. Can't remember names, what you had for dinner last night. Write groceries lists so you will remember carton of soy milk, bread to be eaten. chai tea. Lists of life to remind you of your favourite things. So you won't forget~ some things can't be forgotten.
You remember. Remember "the" moment when changed. Changed forever by the simple~ enormous~ quiet~ entry of you. changed by a simple hi, a smile. A touch. You remember a body memory. It has been awaken~no longer dormant. You remember. Painfully aware of presence even when you are not there.
chocolate eaten in the dark. Glasses of red wine. Difficult conversation. demanding honesty. tears. Resisting what you are saying even as you state it. Cannot match intense gaze. must remember to look away. the "Right" words tumble out of mouth ~drown sadly into uneaten soup.
walk. quickly. away. Do not look back.
Backwards~ and you know you would stay. Feel more.
Feelings shape into memories. You fly a thousand miles. So you won't remember.
Even in your safe space. you are not safe. writing things that should be forgotten.
you are here. Present. remembered.
You forget to write lists. Forget your favourite things. Want to forget but you remember....
memories keep you up at night.

I'm a SELFISH, impulsive "Shit Holding" Martyr!

For the past few days. I've stayed away from writing. Found it too scary. I have come to the awareness that whenever I have something that I don't wish to deal with, think about, confront, I stop writing. Writing is my "moral indicator" for where I am in my life. My writing is therapeutic and lets me truly sort out what is going on in my head. For nearly a week and a half i haven't written much because I have been dealing with some moral, personal and business issues. Testing within myself what is the right thing to do. Wanting to make sure that I make the right decisions. I really want to be a person of morals, a person that lives a moral life, is kind, loving, forgiving and sensitive to others. Yet, I also want to kind, loving and forgiving to myself. Because in the past I have been guilty of two major things, Huge character flaws!

1. Sometimes I weigh too heavily how my decisions will affect everyone. Thus, I have chosen to stay in situations that do not serve my higher intention because I don't want to hurt, disappoint, or have difficult conversations with others. So I have become the pleaser, the overly considerate one, the one who holds the whole "shit" together! Because I'm the one who wants everyone to be happy even if it means I'm truly not happy.
So in my quest to may everyone happy, I do way TOO MUCH, become resentful, burnt out, and I am left feeling used and not appreciated.
* I'm sure none of you can relate! :)

Yet I have also been GUILTY OF....

2. Not thinking enough about how my choices/actions affect others and going with just what "feels" right to me, thus I have been
labeled self-indulgent, inconsiderate, selfish, impulsive, insensitive. And others around me feel that they do way TOO MUCH,
and they become resentful, burnt out, used and truly feel that I do not appreciate them.


Yet I realize, I am all these things at any given moment, the "shit holder," the pleaser, insensitive, self indulgent, impulsive. And because I know this about myself I sometimes find it hard to make decisions or to do the "right" thing. Lately, a line from a poem, THE INVITATION has been going through my mind,

"I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

This week, has been a trying and emotional week for me because I chose to disappoint someone, in order to be true to myself. Yet also this week, in another situation, I chose to disappoint myself in order to do what I felt was the "right" thing to do. Neither of these decisions were easy for me and I have been second guessing myself. Trying to predict a future, and foresee what the outcome is to both decisions.

I guess only time will tell.... So as I try to figure this all out~ I read, I ponder, I pray for guidance, I think and I write....

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.



© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999 All rights reserved