The Hurt, Confusion & Disappointment of My Adoption Process

For all my readers, fans, and folks who come here for our usual Monday Motivation, today let me warn you there is no motivation. I pride myself on being honest, maybe sometimes too honest with my audience so here it goes! 

This adoption process has emotionally wiped me out. There I said it.  It has been an emotional roller coaster. The paper work exhausting, the meetings, the doctor's appointments, the fingerprinting, the waiting to "pick me" routine can drive anyone crazy.

I have had two false starts. Recently, selected by a birth mother who was having twins. I was ecstatic and as much as I told myself to not get emotionally drawn in or attached i did. I saw these children they were mine! My friends and family rallied around, everyone was excited and so supportive.  We all wanted these children!

 

I wanted them. Needed them.  And just as I was getting use to the idea that in a few short weeks I would be a mother, that wish was snatched away from me. (* For reasons too personal to talk about ) But the unfortunate and final outcome was that the twins did not happen. I "allowed" myself 24 hours to grief and told myself I couldn't afford the luxury of becoming an emotional wreck there was too many things to do. So i pulled up my big girl panties and soldiered through!

I then found a sibling group and got very excited about them and knew in my heart that these were my children. Yet again fate intervened and they were not. Again I was faced with the harsh reality that motherhood had eluded me once again. Yet I tried to march on and be brave. Cried in private.  I recited my affirmations, prayed about it through my tears. Trying to not let this defeat me, or shake me. I tried to not let all these bottled up emotions overwhelm me ....

However, yesterday I got a call from my homestudy worker that my file was accidentally shredded! Nearly five months of time consuming paperwork gone!  I needed to resubmit all my paperwork and the homestudy had to be rewritten which again would take up more precious time that I don't have.  I would not be considered for birth mothers until my homestudy was "completed." More precious time. More waiting! I just broke down in tears ate a bar of chocolate, a bag of chips and headed to bed! Yes I'm an emotional eater! 

So today I'm giving myself permission to sit with disappointment, hurt and anger and know that it's ok. As womyn sometimes we don't allow ourselves the full moment to acknowledge our true feelings. Sometimes we need to just unapologetically cry. Yet instead of crying we march through and keep going!  We put the super womyn cape on and start flying. But today I decided to take my cape off and just say I'm hurt, disappointed, angry, EXHAUSTED and I'm taking a time out!

Reading to Our Daughters

I've always been an avid reader. I just love the journey that you take which book and the feeling of wisdom that you walk away with when you close the final chapter. I remember spending hours at the library as a little girl, trying to find an exciting book to read. As I am going through the adopting process right now to be a mom soon, I've started thinking about what kind of toys I want my child(ren) to play with and what books that I will read to them. I want my little one(s) to be readers!

I came across a great article on Essence.com a little while ago that lists 10 books to read to our brown daughters. It’s so important to expose our children to books that can not only teach or entertain them but to also empower and inspire them. There are so many more books on the market now that help provide our young readers a self-esteem boost with faces that reflect their own, telling positive stories. The list is one that I will definitely keep in mind as it includes many great titles such as No Mirrors in My Nana’s House, I love my hair!, Happy to Be Nappy, and so many more. Check out the full list here.

What books do you read to your little readers? I would love some suggestions!