Three B's To A Babe

Ten years ago today, Wife and I went on our first date.  When I mentioned to my mother that I was going to write about meeting Wife and our first date, she said, “You’re going to write about that?  I thought you were supposed to write funny stories about raising your kids.”  This is what she says to me every week.  She is a very supportive, non-fan of my blog writing!  Anyway, I pointed out that if it were not for us meeting followed by all the other stuff, we wouldn't have a big, modern family for me to write about.

Wife, (then Lisa) and I met at a boxing class in March 2004.  I had decided to get serious about dating that year and boxing was part of my plan.   You see, I was looking to meet a sporty, public radio loving, babe.  (I was looking for much more than that, but these two things were on the must-have list.) Clearly, I needed a plan to make it happen.  Because I am fundamentally a weirdo, I named the plan - Operation Three Bs to a Babe.  I joined a band to up my cool factor.  I took ballet to keep myself graceful.  And I started boxing because where better to find a sporty babe than at a women’s boxing class!  I know, genius.

A couple of months into boxing I showed up pumped for the regular Sunday class, looking particularly fabulous.  I was wearing a curves-accentuating, tracksuit (yes, matching top & bottom) that featured a racing strip down the side of the arms and pants.  I also had my dreadlocks in pigtails.  It is possible, based on my outfit, that I didn’t think I would be meeting The Babe that morning!  As I was getting ready for class, in walked this hot woman with a sleeveless shirt on.  I made a quick adjustment to my pigtails.

The instructor partnered Lisa, a more experienced boxer and me, a newbie, to do the gym circuit.  Throughout our workout, Lisa kindly helped me with my form and I did my best to shine as an athlete.  Hoping that Lisa was “noticing” me and worried that she didn’t know I wanted to be “noticed” I found several, not so subtle, ways to slip in the phrase, “As a single lesbian…” into our conversation.  Smooth, eh?  

The circuit ended with some ring work so with Lisa, I reluctantly stepped into the boxing ring for the first time.  The coach told Lisa that she could only block, not hit and that I was to try to get a hit in.  I did it!  The first time I met Wife, I punched her square in the nose!  I suspect that was the moment she realized that I was a keeper!  

At the end of class some of us were chatting about Lisa’s band, The Jane Waynes, which I had never heard of and which had a following and a CD in the works.   I decided that that was not the time to tell her about my band which existed only in a basement with four women who rotated instruments because most of us didn’t know how to play any of them well.  Lisa offered to take down our email addresses to be added to the band invite list for shows.  It was at that moment, that I got bold.  I put my email address down on the paper and my phone number (for the Jane Waynes’ phone tree, obviously!)  I left the class pleased with my efforts to “pick-up” and hoped to hear from the boxing class hottie

On Thursday of that same week I received an email from Lisa.  She had tried to call me but had the wrong number so was trying email.  A word of advice: when giving someone your number, write clearly.   I called her immediately and left a message.  When she picked up the message, she was walking her dog and had nowhere to write down my number.  Resourceful Lisa wrote my number in the dirt with a stick and called me back.  She wrote my number in the dirt, people!  How cute is that?

We didn’t waste any time and met up that night.  What really sealed the deal, and no -doubt made me seem irresistible, is my mother dropping me off for our first date! Lisa, my mother and I have been a relationship ever since!  

On our first date, 10 years ago, when we talked about canoe tripping and teaching and public radio and music we had no idea that we were beginning to make the choice that we’ve made every day since - to be together.  Some days it’s a hard choice to make, but it’s one that I keep making.

Happy Anniversary to Wife!  I miss talking about who we are rather than who we’re raising but I know that when The Big, The Middles & The Littles need us in less time consuming ways, we will have plenty to talk about again.  In the meantime, I am so grateful for the love, support and the daily gut laughs! I plan to keep choosing this one.

XO Ajike

January Birthdays

If you read my blog post last week about my shortcomings as a mother, you may have been left feeling concerned for my children.  Children deserve to grow up with the guidance of someone who actually knows important things and can perform basic tasks like building with Lego.  Well, I am very happy to report that while I know nothing about dinosaurs or fort building, I know a lot about hosting a fabulous slumber party in honour of our Big’s 7th birthday!  I know, why would parents of five decide to care for four children overnight who do not belong to them?  

First, I’m totally trying to win at this parenting thing and I don’t believe all the hype about there not being a big award at the end for the most awesome mom.  Second, it was an excellent opportunity to send the Middles to Nanny’s for a slumber party of their own.  We quickly realized that five, six to seven year olds and a couple of rambunctious two year olds is much easier that our two four year olds.  Ah-hem.  We seem to have isolated the problem(s).  Lucky for them, The Middles and their four year old attitudes are a pretty good problems to have.  Anyway, point is, I’m really good at birthday parties, if I do say so myself!  

But in spite of my feelings of accomplishment post birthday, like every year at the end of January, I am reminded that life is brutiful – simultaneously beautiful and brutal.* Just as the excitement and joy of our wonderful Big’s birthday is starting to wane, we remember the baby we lost who should also be having a birthday at the end of January.  

Z and our baby Isaiah were born four days apart.  As she was coming into the world, too soon, he was going home to his foster family who loved him dearly until he was able to be loved forever by us.  They were born into the same incredibly snowy January in Ontario.  They were born, four days apart, into the arms of mothers who would not watch them grow.  

For seven years I have sat with the uncomfortable feeling that without loss we would have missed out on the joy of raising our big guy.  It’s amazing how we can balance joy and sorrow.  It’s weird how I can feel so blessed to have our Z and so desperate for our Isaiah.  I struggle with the fact that I can’t have them both.  If Isaiah had lived, we wouldn't have our big guy.  I cannot imagine my life without him.

I struggle with our family’s story.  Sometimes I tell people that we lost our first baby and that soon after, we adopted a baby who came home the day before her expected due date.  Sometimes I tell people that we named the baby we lost Isaiah, and the only name we could think of for Z, was also a prophet from the bible.  Sometimes I tell people that the day we named him, the day we found out he would be ours, was also a day in the Jewish calendar when Rabbis read from the book of Isaiah and the book of the prophet after whom Z is named.  Sometimes I show people the picture from the first day we met our boy – the one where he is looking up at me as if to say “You’re my mommy.”  After hearing our story people often say, “It was meant to be.  He was supposed to be your baby all along.  He was sent to you by Isaiah.”  I hate those words.  They suggest to me that Isaiah was never supposed to be here.  Like she was wrong and he is right.  I know that’s not what people think, but that’s how it feels.  I want them both.  They’re both my kids.  I was meant to be a mother to both of them.  I am a mother to them both.

Z knows about his sister Isaiah.  Z knows that we love her and although he has claimed otherwise when he’s extra angry with us, he knows that we love him.  “If Isaiah was here, she’d be my twin (Lord knows all the Silverman-Akande kids, have to have a twin!), he says.  He tells his little sisters about her and speaks about her like she’s part of our family because… she is.  

One evening when we were talking about the loss that he feels sometimes not being raised by his biological mother, he asked about how I feel about losing Isaiah.  When I told him that I feel angry and sad, he looked at me and said, “When people die, God turns them into birds in heaven, then they can visit us here on earth.  God made Isaiah into a bird so that you could see your baby again.”  My kid, who by no means is always compassionate, understands that there is a "universalness" in loss.  We all celebrate those who are near while we long for those who are not.  

When I started writing this post, my intention was to write a neat and tidy piece about love and loss and this brutiful life but I’ve run out of space and there is nothing tidy about this.  Like life and for me, the end of January, this piece is messy and brutal and hopefully beautiful.

Xo Ajike

*A term used to describe underground death metal, but for me, a term coined by writer Glennon Melton. I am not familiar with death metal, but I’m sure it’s brutiful!  

Three lessons that Barack Obama can teach us

Have you all been following the presidential race in the US? I was thinking about the reaction that people had to the first debate and I realized that there are a few lessons that many of us could stand to learn from Obama. Here are three:

1.    It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. At the first debate Obama was more direct than     Mitt Romney. He answered the questions that were asked and he was honest. But that isn’t what most people noticed. The majority of feedback has been that Obama came across as passive and disinterested. In fact, his strategy going into the second debate was to come across as more passionate. This principle is true in most things in life – whether you are auditioning for a part, giving a speech to a large audience or pitching an idea to a funder, the delivery is just as important as the message itself.  

2.    You get more than one chance to make an impression. Although after the first debate Obama’s numbers began to dip, rather than give up Obama and his campaign team immediately began preparing for the next debate. This is an important lesson for many of us because it is easy to think that we have “blown” it when something doesn’t go our way the first time. It’s also easy to quit and walk away. But it is the ability to make a successful comeback that separates the successful few from those who shoulda/woulda/coulda.

3.    Take nothing for granted. Going into the first debate many people dismissed the idea that Romney would come away the winner. They were convinced that Obama was a better speaker and had more experience in this setting. Clearly, they were wrong. Obama learned his lesson and prepared better for the second debate. It’s important for us to realize that even when we think we have something wrapped up we should always over prepare and never, ever underestimate anyone!

Did you learn anything else from the debates, from either candidate? If so, be sure to comment below and let me know!

I am really enjoying these debates but I’m even more excited about this Saturday’s workshop where we will talk about some of the above, as well as many other tips and life lessons to create and attract success. Only 3 days left to get your ticket! Click here to buy tickets today.      

Are you wishing away your life?

Looking through my timeline this week on Facebook I realized something a bit frightening. For years now, every Friday my timeline is overtaken with varying versions of “TGIF” and countdowns to the weekend. Do you find yourself counting down to the weekend every week? Well, this week I noticed that more and more people are also commenting on hump day. Statuses like “Just have to make it through hump day.” Or “Can’t wait…2 more days until I’m free! #humpday”. 

I decided to look up hump day just out of curiosity and one of the definitions on urban dictionary was this: the absolute BEST day of the week, the day of maximum hope that maybe, you might make it out of this week alive.

Isn’t that crazy? I find it so scary that it’s so normal for someone to go through the whole week just counting down for the weekend. It’s like we are wishing away 5 days of the week just to get to the 2 good days of the week. Instead of waking up every day happy to be alive and looking forward to a day of whatever it is we are passionate about, many of us spend most of our lives waiting for the future. Those who work the 5-day work week and live only for the weekend will have wished away 27 YEARS of their lives by the time they retire! That’s almost a third of the average life expectancy!

Are you wishing away your days or living the life you want? If you spend more days each week just trying to get through the day then you do actually ENJOYING your day and BEING HAPPY, you are wishing your days away. But you have the ability to take control of your life and start experiencing the fulfillment that comes with living up to your true potential. 

It made me realize how blessed I am to be able to do the things I love and to spend my days doing work that makes me feel fulfilled. This is exactly why I'm so excited to bring you the upcoming Millionaire Artist Workshop! This is your chance to get tips and ideas from myself and other great panelists about how to live your life to its fullest. 

You have until October 6th to get early bird special. And if you have a friend who you know could benefit too, we will also offer a ONE DAY PROMOTION of 2 tickets for the price of 1 on October 6th!

If you are ready to live your life but not quite sure how to make that jump, join us Oct 20th. You’ll get some great tips about how to choose to live your life now, instead of waiting for the weekend to be happy. Check out the details here.

Push Girls: Real Reality TV

Last night I was surfing the net and I stumbled on this incredible show that I can't wait to watch it.  The new reality show airs in April and it follows the lives of four womyn in Hollywood who deal with the struggles we all face such as motherhood, careers, relationships and divorce. 

L-R: Former Swimmer, Mia Schaikewitz, 32; Dancer, Auti Angel, 42; Actress Angela Rockwood, 36; and Model Tiphany Adams, 28

Seems like every other reality show there is out there right?  Cameras following a group of people around capturing whatever it is that they do on a daily basis.  You are probably wondering what the hook is....what makes this show any different from every other show there is out there.  Well, take a look at the next photo to  find out.

These womyn are wheel chair bound!  Each one had budding careers before them when a tragic accident changed their worlds forever.

Push Girls, follows: Mia, a former competitive swimmer who lost the use of her legs after a rare type of brain hemorrhage at the age of 15.  Auti, a former hip hop dancer, "I was JLo before J Lo" she said.  She danced with Milli Vanilli and LL Cool J in the 90s before a car accident in 1992.  Angela, who appeared in The Fast and the Furious before a 2001 car accident left her without the use of the torso, arms and legs.  And Tiphany who survived a drunk driving accident in her senior year of high school that left 3 of her friends dead.  She was given a five per cent chance to live by doctors.

With truth and honesty, producer Gay Rosenthal, who also produced Little People, Big World, gives us a glimpse of these womyn as they reclaim their lives and shatter the stereotypes of what it means to have a disability.  

I sincerely hope you watch this show and tell a friend.  In a time where Kim Kardashian and  Toddlers in Tiaras seem to bombard our screens, it is nice to see a show that is an accurate reflection of reality on a reality TV show.

What do you think about Push Girls?  Would you watch this show?

Getting Ready for the New Year

2012 is quickly approaching and it's time that we start creating new goals and desires for the new year. Every year we resolve to hit the gym, or to give up (insert item here), do better and be better. But somewhere around mid January the hype wears off and we're left with a laundry list of seemingly unattainable goals that we set with high hopes. How do you ensure success?

Have you ever thought about having a life coach help you?

A life coach isn't someone the stars use to help them 'keep it real.'

Really what I'm here to do is to help you put your life into perspective! That's all. I'm that voice of reason, that friend that will tell you the truth and inspiration and motivation we all need to push our goals to the next level. Sometimes we all need that outside voice to help us see the light and help propel us to the next level.

So what are you waiting for? the stroke of midnight? Your dreams to start to fade?

girl doing BETTER is life coaching made easy. From the comfort of your own home we will teach you to identify your roadblocks and help you move forward as the best YOU possible!

Girl, the time is now to do better! Lets work on this together! Two heads are better than one! Be proactive about your dreams! Sign up today!

Prices range from $97-$450 +applicable taxes. Payment plans/options are available.

contact me: trey@treyanthonystudios.com
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twitter: @girldoingbetter