by Ajike Akande
The weirdest thing happened the other morning when I dropped
Z at school ON TIME! Yes, I
realize the fact that I managed to get him to school on time is, in itself a
weird thing, but it’s not the weird
thing I’m referring to. (You’ll
be happy to know if you read my posts about my encounters with the Late SlipLady last year, that Z has been late only five times this school year!)
The weird thing took place when I ran into his teacher who
has been on parental leave since last January, when Z was in grade 1, and will
be returning as his teacher this coming January. We started chatting about Z’s struggles in math, which are
significant and out of the “everybody learns at their own pace” range. She said, “Well you don’t know the
family history, right?” Wait,
what? Come again?
If you are new to my almost weekly blog posts, Z is
adopted. He came home at four
months. He was born close to
Toronto, where we live and our adoption was through the public system. He is awesome. He is also a kid, so sometimes he hides
his awesome. I am happy to tell you
all of these things. On most days,
Z is happy to tell you these things.
What I am not happy to share, nor do I appreciate be asked about, are
the details of his family history.
I also do not appreciate the assumption that the more challenging things
about him, such as his inaptitude for math, are connected to his family
history, which, of course, is assumed to be bad.
I am not saying that family history, medical and otherwise,
is not significant, but as Z’s parents, Wife and I can, with or without
asked-for support, consider the role of our son’s birth family’s history play in
his current abilities and share what is necessary. Where he comes from is important. It’s part of his life story. His entire life story has and will always be important but
it his personal story.
Interestingly, in this same conversation, I mentioned
(bragged) that our Z will be playing a mouse in the professional production of
The Nutcracker this year. Not
surprisingly, the teacher did not look sympathetically at me and say “Well you
don’t know the family history!” So
his special talent in and unwavering love for, dance could not have possibly been
a gift from his birth family? Can
we please stop demonizing the birth parents that place their children for
adoption? Can we please stop
assuming that they have influenced their children negatively? Please stop assuming you know where my
kid comes from. And please stop
blaming his birth family. It’s
really nobody’s business what Z’s history is until he or we invite them to make
it their business.
 |
| 2 yr old Z ready to garden...obviously |
And yes, there are occasions when a child’s history,
biological and otherwise, is essential to supporting them in school, but I just
wish that people would simmer down with the assumptions and trust that all
parents want what’s best for the children and will share information that is
relevant and important to help their children learn. (I do know that there are parents who have kept truly
pertinent information about their child, be they adopted or not, from teachers
and caregivers but this is not the norm.)
Reflecting on this exchange, I wish I had told his teacher
that her question/comment was inappropriate. I also wish I had said, “What difference does his family
history make? He is a student who is almost two grade levels
below in math, what are you going to do about it?" Instead of playing detective and trying to find answers for
who or what caused this problem, spend some time trying to understand his needs
as a learner and just teach him.
Start where he’s at (not where he should be) and teach him until he
learns it. Not easy, but kinda
simple, right?
Phew, glad that’s off my chest! Thank you for reading my rant!
XO Ajike
* Some of you reading this may be thinking about race being
a factor in the teacher’s comments. For the record, I think it is, but I just don’t have the capacity or time to grapple
with that issue in a blog post.
Additionally, I know that I really only skimmed the surface when it comes
to issues around disclosure and adoption.
I hope you understand that my lack of depth here is not for lack of
understanding of the issues.
