I want perky boobs. Boobs that I can run down the street in a white tank top, no bra, and they would stay in place. Nipples always erect like Farrah Fawcett~ before she died. I think I should be the first black Charlie's Angel. I also want a flat stomach so I can ditch my spanx, throw out my ten million armor body girdles, and just walk around naked with my abs of steel and perky boobs. And if I could please not have any back fat! I think back fat definitely spoils my sexy white tank top look. And to match my sexy white tank top I want to wear white short shorts that barely cover my ass. Oh but I forgot to mention I also want an ass, an ass that you can bounce a quarter off of. An ass that if I turned any street corner you would see my ass coming before you see me! I'm writing Santa a list and I'm gonna see what shows up under my tree!
But seriously, anyone who truly knows me knows I have struggled with body issues all my life. The chubby kid who grew up to be the fat adult, yet somewhere inside this "fat" body there was a skinny chick throwing up the sandwich and chocolate cake--- screaming to get out!
I don't like my body. Not a big fan of her at all. I wouldn't willingly sign up for THIS or order this body. I would demand a refund. I really really really.... don't like my body. I said it. Miss "feminist," burn your bra, loving all womyn and all of our sizes, miss trey anthony doesn't like her body! And believe me, I've really tried to practice what I preach, to other womyn about being okay with yourself. Loving yourself at whatever size you are. Embracing all of you. And I truly believe all of that. I really do. I just wish I could believe it for myself! And my non belief has made me do some really mean and unhealthy things to myself in order to achieve the "perfect" body. I don't think that's there's a diet that I haven't tried. The grapefruit diet, the cabbage soup diet, Jenny's, Weight Watchers, Bernstein's, two shakes a day or was it three?
And at my heaviest of nearly 235 lbs and a size 18, I took the drastic step of having lap band surgery. I lost over 100 lbs. Yet, before the surgery I thought once I got down to a size 12 I'll be happy. Then it was a size 10, then a size 8, and now I'm a size 7 striving for a size 5/6 yet the same issues that I had with my body at size 18 still remain... I think I'm even more critical. So I'm trying a new approach. I think I've had a mini breakthrough.
I'm working on getting my body stronger and not smaller. I want to be able to run at a 6.0 on the treadmill for thirty minutes and not feel like I'm going into cardiac arrest. I want to be able to do 50 pushups, in less than 40 seconds, effortlessly lift 15lb weights and not cry out for my mother! I want to be a strong, toned athlete.
I'm also listening to how I speak to my body. Putting that little/BIG "Voice" in my head on censorship. I've told that "Voice" that she can no longer call trey fat, or fat ass or compare her to other "perfect" womyn.....
In my bootcamp class, which I'm now going five days a week, I no longer listen to that "Voice" which yells that everyone is running way faster than me. I don't listen to that "Voice" that tells me to notice, that everyone in the class is much prettier and skinnier than me! I don't hear that "Voice" laughing that everyone is looking at my fat-- flat ass jogging on a treadmill. I shut the little anorexic down throw her a damn sandwich! Tell her to shut the f%^&* up!
Instead, as I run I affirm, "trey your body is strong, today trey you're doing your best."
I promise myself that I'm going to run just a bit faster than yesterday. I affirm, "trey, you are doing something good and healthy for your body."
I don't allow myself to focus on the fact, I'm not running the minimum speeds that the instructor demands. Or that my arms turn to jello, lifting even at the minimum weights! And I definitely, don't focus on the size O girl who's an "actress", oh sorry I mistook you for a stripper! In your sexy white tank top, white short shorts, and perky DDD, boobs with erect nipples of course! Okay I lied! I focus on her a little bit, but I eventually shift my focus, back to the fact that every day I'm doing just a little bit better than I was yesterday. Running a bit faster. Feeling a bit stronger!
I want perky breasts too! Never had 'em; been a triple D since I was 8 years old - at least it seems that way to me...
ReplyDeleteI started running the other day. My first run lasted from my front door to the corner down the street - I lasted 6 minutes before I wanted to throw up. I still felt like a superstar though. The best best part was JUST DOING IT, instead of overthinking it like always. It has given me motivation to quit smoking and eat better. And I have the support of my mom and my sister, who have both always been active and I fel now as though we're this little team working to make ourselves better. For me running a little faster than the day before is the best reward. We'll get those perky ta-ta's some day!
Loved this entry trey!
thanks girl keep running! doing a little bit each day! We're in this together. Perky boobs or no perky boobs! lol
ReplyDeleteTrey you are true, beautiful and strong. You will get stronger with your new focus. To be true, I just want breasts that are the same size. Since nursing my five kids (who all favor the left side), it hangs further south. I just started at the gym again and my goal is also to be stronger....thinner would be nice too. Stop that! Got the same voices in my head some times. I'm a size 7 now and that's just fine.
ReplyDeleteFor sure there is strength in numbers. Let's try to be a little stronger.
'That which does not kill,
makes us stronger!
Thank you Trey for your enlightening words and your honest approach to what every woman of every size thinks and feels daily, weekly and monthly.
ReplyDeleteA true testiment to the pressures we women put on ourselves, never being satisfied with the important factors as you so nicely stated. Being healthy and strong!
Your beauty radiates from inside to the outside silhouette and we should all embrace our imperfections regardless of our mirrored image looking back at us.
You go girl! with your list to Santa and may the base of your tree satisfy your every wish.
Dear Santa, please perk up Trey's breasts and erect her nipples above her flat stomach and fatless back.
Merry Christmas Trey ;)
Thank you for putting this into words Trey, It is like you spoke the words in my soul.
ReplyDeleteWell, I kind of have a different perspective. Ppl want to chase the beauty out women out of women all the time. I am over 3 hundred pounds, no diabetes, no hypoglycemia, no high blood pressure and no cholesteral issues. I am pretty sure I have shocked my doctor. As I will approach forty in a few years, I wanted to lose weight, but I am so inspired to make this body work for me.
ReplyDeleteThis was truly inspiring. My body struggles have varied all my life - from bwoi yu maaga eh to geez, yu pregnant and are those boobs gonna get any bigger to lacks missis, yu foot dem look like drum stick to the ever favourite picking something out a dem teeth - but it is and probably will always be inspiring to hear someone else voice your feelings. My biggest struggle these days is getting to the gym or working out at home and above all loving myself. I think once that starts, the rest will catch up.
ReplyDeletetrey, thank you for your honesty and courage. this struggle so speaks to me and so many womyn. i personally struggle with loving thyself, no matter what size or number we are or get to. it has to come within first. why is it so hard to love ourselves? although we may say it, do we truly believe it? i am hoping that this new year will bring a new way of thinking and focus on doing your best no matter what. you are an inspiration and beautiful inside and out. wishing you the best this holiday season, and i look forward to seeing you in the new year. much blessings and stay positive.
ReplyDeleteluv ya
bee
Hey, Trey! I hear you girl! I'm on that whole fitness-over-weight loss tip now as well. In the summer I started jogging for two minutes and power walking for 2 minutes. Then I jogged for 3 minutes, then 5, then 7, then 15, then 25, and now I'm at 30, plus 2 minutes to start my cool down! My goal is 45 minutes, jogging up to 5.5. Seeing those results is so much better and more rewarding than checking the scale every week to see if I haven't lost anything? Muscle grows and is heavier... is that why I'm the same? Who knows, and who cares when you simply challenge yourself to do more than you did the previous day or week!!!?! I wish you luck in continuing to or beginnging to appreciate the body that God gave you! He made it just for Trey! Whenever I become picky or ungrateful, I think of those people who would just love to have my body because it works the way it's supposed to. My insides are healthy and disease-free, my legs work, my arms work and comfort many people. Let's not be fooled by the image of beauty that we see in the media. The most attractive thing is your character and security. Do what you can and God will do the rest!! Blessings!
ReplyDeletea struggle that so many of us women go through, day after day... every year. why does it never go away? no matter how much improvement i make, it is never enough for the demon 20year old skinny girl inside my head. i am simply putting forth my best effort to work out to keep healthy and try to feel stronger and better and whatever comes along with that, so be it.. as long as I make sure that i feel good about myself, which is the most important part.
ReplyDeletethank you for the blog to remind us that we are never alone
keep on keepin' on
Bless.
Hey everyone, thanks for all your personal comments, stories, insights, regarding this last blog. I can truly see i'm not alone in all of this. Thank you for being my community to share the truth~ it may not be the nicest truth, or one that I wish to have but it is still the truth....
ReplyDeleteI wish for all of you, what i wish for myself, love, understanding and acceptance. Be GREAT!
blessings
t
a wonderful meditation for trying times:
ReplyDelete1. sit up tall and straight in a chair or cross legged on the floor
2. place the left hand over the heart, thumb poinitng up
3. hold the right hand up as if taking an oath, and bring the thumb and index finger together
looking good
now inhale for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds and exhlae for 5 seconds. legthen the breath up 20 seconds. go at your own pace.
close your eyes and hold steady.
keep this simple meditation going for a minimum of 3 minutes.
enjoy you, your gorgeous Self.
love and light,
salimah
Well I had perky boobs, and I want them back! Breastfed 3 kids, and away they went. Watched them fade after each pregnancy and as much as I secretly prayed they would return. I knew that I was stuck with what the mirror told me. Considered implants for a while. Figured I do it at 40. Now I've grown to appreciate what I have, just the way it is, and focus on something I can change (my perspective). Damn those what's-best-for-the-child decisions! LOL
ReplyDeleteI want perky boobs too and one of those big centaur-like asses also; but unlike you, I'd want them in my face instead of on my body.
ReplyDeleteI've had stretch marks on my upper arms since I was a teenager and rarely wore sleeveless tops. It took me until my late 30's to go sleeveless. No on even noticed or commented on the arms that I was so conscious of. All those years I could have been looking cute and summery, I was all up inside myself with worry. Worry over stretch marks on my arms! Now summer winds blow through my armholes and lift my spirits every time I show off my arms:-)
ReplyDeleteHi trey,
ReplyDeleteMany black women do not like their body-and that includes our OWN hair. We have to admit, that the "European Conception of Beauty" is so powerful, that it determines how we feel each and everyday. For example, my legs are pretty scaly looking and scared from a terrible childhood heat rash- now in my mid-thirties, I have only just begun to show my legs in the warm spring and summer months with confidence.I remember almost failing grade 7 gym class because I would wait until the other girls had left so that I could apply make-up foundation on my legs. Always frightened that my leg make up would rub off on the gym floor/mats, my phys ed teacher felt that I was "lazy." Now I walk with body lotion, and receive compliments on my legs-it is so strange to me. Likewise I have gained weight-I have the big perky boobs, but along with that comes a new roll in my stomach and a bigger bum. Are we EVER happy with what we look like???
Hi trey,
ReplyDeleteMany black women do not like their body-and that includes our OWN hair. We have to admit, that the "European Conception of Beauty" is so powerful, that it determines how we feel each and everyday. For example, my legs are pretty scaly looking and scared from a terrible childhood heat rash- now in my mid-thirties, I have only just begun to show my legs in the warm spring and summer months with confidence.I remember almost failing grade 7 gym class because I would wait until the other girls had left so that I could apply make-up foundation on my legs. Always frightened that my leg make up would rub off on the gym floor/mats, my phys ed teacher felt that I was "lazy." Now I walk with body lotion, and receive compliments on my legs-it is so strange to me. Likewise I have gained weight-I have the big perky boobs, but along with that comes a new roll in my stomach and a bigger bum. Are we EVER happy with what we look like???