"I was bruised, but I wasn't Broken"! We've all been there. The Powerful words came from Sheryl Underwood Co-Host of "The Talk" when she revealed a juicy secret on the show.
Sheryl's presentation of her truth turned out to be one of the most absolute boss moves I've ever seen on TV. and I didn't actually see it on a TV, but of course #SherylUnderwood was trending, because that's how BOSS it was!
If you haven't seen the video already you might want to check it out! (Below): Share your thoughts about it in the comments section.
What did you think about Sheryl's share? Do you think it was appropriate? Would you have done it?
Leave a comment below and Keep up with the Convo on Trey Anthony's Fan Page!
For sometime on this here blog, I have been touching on what is
going on with Miss O and G-Dog, without really getting into the nitty
gritty.I just haven’t felt like I
could or should totally “go there” but I think it’s about time that I start
talking about and naming my girls’ challenges. I recently started following Diary of a Mom, a blog written by a mom with two awesome girls, one of whom is
autistic.Sometimes I find the
Diary mom way too perfect.She never complains about the challenges of raising a child with special
needs but focuses on how she manages the challenges.She seemingly advocates effortlessly for her daughter and
celebrates her beautifully.She’s
also a fabulous phone photographer and captures her ridiculously beautiful
daughters perfectly.A little bit,
I hate her.
The point is, though, her daily stories help me see my little
monkeys in a different way.Her
posts make me feel less frustrated and more loving.They make me want to do better as a mom to kids with
challenges.And for reasons not
clear to me right now, her blog makes me feel as though I have a right to take
up some space in the corner of the blogosphere occupied by parents of kids with
special needs.
This won’t be my last post about raising kiddos with special
needs, but it’s not what I plan to write about all the time.I also need to be clear that all
children, regardless of their needs, are totally frustrating and stress
inducing (and also awesome) so just because some of my children have special
needs does not mean I won’t complain about how annoying they all can be.If it makes you feel any better, I am
100% sure that they will (do?) complain about me and Wife just as much.I should also say that I’m not a parent
who feels like our children’s challenges are a blessing.The children
are a true blessing; their challenges are not.You won’t hear me saying that I wouldn’t change anything
about them, ‘cuz I would.I would
take away the part of their brain that makes a seam in their socks feel like a
needle.I would take away the part
of them that makes surprises no fun at all.I would take away the part that makes it hard for them to
persevere when they are trying to explain what they want or what they think.And while that absence of those things
would make parenting them easier, I wouldn’t take away the tough stuff for me,
I would do it for them.Our Miss O
is the happiest person you’ll ever meet but there are parts of every single day
that are excruciating for her.Nobody wants that for their child.G-Dog has to push through a whole lot of worries which make her so angry
and so defiant, to find her happy.I feel for her and wish it were different.
To write about both girls and their special needs, would take a
really long time, so I’ll start with Miss O who is having the hardest time
these days.
Almost two years ago, Miss O went through a developmental and
cognitive assessment as well as genetic testing.In the end, we were told that her genetics were beautiful
(thank you Mom and Dad and Sperm Donor Guy), that her results landed on the
diagnostic cusp of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and that she will likely have
a learning disability based on early cognitive testing.In regards to an ASD diagnosis, we were
told that girls are often diagnosed later than boys and that we may find that
as she gets older and the social demands increase, she will meet the diagnostic
criteria for ASD.Watch and see.When they told us about her results in
the cognitive tests, we all agreed that it was too soon to really know anything
about any learning difficulties.It’s a little unfair to test what has definitely not been taught.Let the child go to school before we
decide she has trouble learning!
But, of course, parents know their kids.Before her third birthday she had received physical,
occupational and speech therapy.Being the superstar that she is, she took that therapy and told us all
where to go when she reached every goal we set within the time we had hoped,
but we still had this feeling that our superstar daughter wasn’t like other
kids.With a built in comparison
in her twin sister, the differences were hard to ignore.
After being told that she had the characteristics of a child with
autism except that she was too social and too interested in sharing her world
with those around her, we learned about ways that we could support her.We confirmed that she has Sensory
Processing Disorder (SPD), learned about issues of sleep and autism and
starting using picture schedules and social stories to help her manage daily
routines and transitions as well as new outings and experiences better.We found an amazing school that offers an
integrated program with 20% of the class having ASD, communication disorders or
other developmental issues. (G-Dog has joined her sister at Yes I Can and we truly believe
that both girls are getting a wonderful program that meets their needs.) We
carried on as though Miss O had a confirmed ASD diagnosis, because we truly
felt that that was what was coming.
Now, almost two years after Miss O’s initial assessment, we will
be heading back to the team of psychologists, therapists and nurses to repeat
the assessments.We are starting
to see significant regression and loss of skills in Miss O and she is having
greater difficultly getting through the day.We are seeing our smart, funny child with excellent language
skills, who expresses herself well, struggle to communicate.We are seeing our kind and
compassionate child become overwhelmed and behave inappropriately towards
others.Miss O needs more support
and we need guidance and an actual diagnosis to ensure that she gets it.
Knowing that the assessment will take place in the next couple of
months, I have said to close friends and Wife, that I feel as though we are on the
verge of receiving bad news.I
don’t know for sure what this new assessment will reveal but I know in my heart
that our awesome, superstar Miss O experiences this world a bit differently
and that can be really hard for her.And while I think the news will be “bad”, like all news, it won’t be a
big deal for long.She’ll be the
same kid, that fills and breaks my heart every day, but we will, and most
importantly, she will have more information about how to turn down the
excruciating and turn up the joy.
I will definitely share more as we learn more about Miss O.Before signing off, I have to share
this: One of the things that we have discovered about Miss O, is that nothing
calms her hurting heart like YouTube videos, specifically Tyler Ward’s acoustic
version of Rihanna’s song Umbrella.After an epic (sorry neighbours) meltdown last Sunday evening we watched
the Umbrella video 12 times in a row!In. A. Row.It was the only
thing that would calm her down.It
was truly remarkable.So these days, when her calm, and her joy go missing, she finds them in
this video.I actually wrote Tyler
Ward a letter thanking him!He
probably won’t respond because, ah, weird mom, but I had to thank him.He totally saved Sunday!
Just in case you have misplaced your calm or joy, or you love a
good acoustic cover of a pop song (they’re soooo great), here’s the video:
Oh and here are the lyrics to the song that Miss O, after
screaming for 20 minutes, listened to 12 times while cuddling with me with her head
on my chest.I may have cried
listening to the lyrics and soaked the dear child’s head.Just read the lyrics, you would cry too (if it happened to you)!
You had my heart, and we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star
Baby 'cause in the dark, you can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you, I'll always share
Because when the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out to the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh
eh eh)
Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella
A few months ago I took things up a notch and adopted a
little “5 minute (makeup) face” routine.I have come to truly love rosy cheeks and glossy lips, but I don’t spend
the 5 minutes in front of the mirror applying makeup while trying to prevent my
children, who are always crowded around me, from dumping multiple shades of
blush on the floor, because I believe my beauty lives in a MAC bottle.I quite like a natural look.I spend the time because I don’t want
the small children I see over the course of a day to be scared off by the dark
circles and substantial puff around my eyes.Quite frankly, it’s not pretty and there is nothing natural
about it.The puffy circles are the
result of many years of having less sleep than required.Sleep deprivation is not natural it’s
real but it’s person-made.Small,
young person-made.My point,
because there is one, is that this morning, I should have taken a big pass on
the five minutes.I did some major
weeping this morning a few hours after the makeup routine and I just ended up
looking like a hot mess!Here’s
why…
This morning, being no different from other mornings I did
the face thing and I was looking bright, cheery and totally on top of my sh*t,
if I do say so myself.Once all spiffied
up, I packed up The Middles and The Littles to drive them (all of them) to
school.I was taking F-Jammie and
Mr. Lee to their first day of Preschool.For those of you who are just skimming this post, it bears repeating: F-Jammie and Mr. Lee went to Preschool
for the first time today.Until
now, The Littles have been left with one of three babysitters or family.We have never set them free with other
children without a grown person of their own watching over them.
When they arrived at school and walked into their classroom,
they were greeted by their super enthusiastic preschool teachers (You know, the
kind of teachers who can smile through anything including a kid peeing their
pants while they are holding them on their hip.)At first my guys were pretty happy.I told them that I would be back and
left the room.Unfortunately, I
made the rookie mistake and stayed in the building - out of sight but in
earshot.When I heard Mr. Lee
scream “No! Put me down! No!I
want mommy!” I lost it.Really,
really lost it.Can we say, ugly
crying?I went over to the two-way
mirror, (God’s little gift to the neurotic parent) and took a front row seat to
view the movie Mr. Lee Has a Tantrum When He Realizes Mommy is Not Close By. (Can we just pause and think about who would play the part of me? Please post any thoughts in the comments.) I watched him carry on while
being held by a smiling, calm teacher.I watched his twin sister, F-Jammie, follow him and the teacher around
the room until he calmed down, which made me cry even more.She was making sure that her brother
was okay.I wasn’t surprised; she
is loving like that.I felt proud
that she showed so much compassion for her brother but also guilty because she
felt as though she had to make sure that her sad bro was being taken care of
while mommy up and left.
Finally the inside voice kicked in – “Leave woman! Go pee alone, drink coffee while it’s
hot, make and finish a phone call!”
I don’t often get time to myself in the middle of the day. I left the school, still sobbing
and called a friend to cry to her.
She reminded me that Mr. Lee and I are both ready for some time apart
and that F-Jammie was born with her bags packed for university and her
attachment to me is really about the snacks! After the pep talk, I went for coffee and thought about how
the phase of parenting babies is coming to an end.
We have been in the “baby” phase for years. We never “saw the light”.We were fortunate to be able to plan and
have our children very close together.Please note that these plans were made assuming that we would have one
baby at a time.Please also note
that I am aware that we went for another round even after we had evidence
suggesting that the assumption of one baby at a time was weak.Point is, after asking, “What the
actual f%&k were we thinking?” about a million times, we settled into the
all baby all the time, way of life.Seven years later, nobody is breast-feeding (Breast fondling – always; breast-feeding
– never.)Daytime diapers and
cribs are a thing of the past.Scooters are increasingly the mode of transportation and the stroller more
often gets left at home.Things
are changing.Praise God, things
are changing.Also, I totally hate
change.
After just over an hour, drinking hot coffee and thinking
about my changing life, I went back to the school to pick up The Middles and
The Littles.These are the happy,
suddenly older, proud-of-themselves, sibling-loving faces that came through the
door.
I have felt drained, the way you do after a good cry, all
day. The makeup has been wiped
away by the waterworks and I can’t seem to lose the home-sicky feeling in my
gut. I guess the home-sicky
feeling makes sense. When we are
home, we are surrounded by the familiar, what we are used to. I am used to being a mommy to
babies. I have never had babies
grow out of babyhood without another baby, two actually, to take their
place. I am losing a little bit of
what is familiar. It really is
time, but I still feel a little home-sicky. I wonder if my babies, The Littles, feel the same.
XO Ajike
P.S.I am
looking for excuses not to go grocery shopping the two mornings a week that The
Littles are at school.Who wants
to meet up for hot coffee?
Where I live, this is the first week back at school.As a mother of many, including, three
school-agers, it will come as no surprise that this blog post is about sending
The Big and The Middles as well as Wife back to school.I could share all the details of
everyone’s first week, but wow, that’d be a snore fest so instead I am sharing
a letter that I have written to The Big’s grade two teacher.She will receive a copy of this letter
shortly after I post this, so if you think it’s totally weird and inappropriate
please let me know ASAP ‘cuz eeek, don’t want to be weirdo mom.
Here it is…
Dear Ms. P,
You did it!You
survived the first days of the 2014/15 school year.I stood back watching you on the first morning wearing your
back-to-school best, doling out hugs - down low to the bigger, but still so
little grade twos that you taught in grade one, and up high to the parents who
were feeling excited to be sending their kids back to school in general but
especially excited to be sending their kids back to you in particular.You looked so happy and bursting with
excitement about the fresh start that the new year offers.I wanted to tell you that I recognize
your bright expression and genuine joy to see your new and returning
students.I recognize it because
that used to be me greeting bouncing kiddos and their parents.Honestly, I felt a little jealous.Don’t get me wrong; I know that day one
is the beginning of a teacher-student honeymoon that if you’re lucky, lasts
about three weeks.Eventually the
kids will stop being on their best behaviour.So will you.But the hugs, nervous energy and excitement are so real and truly set
the tone for the year.I am
thrilled for all the members of the Room 22 crew.I know that you will do all you can as crew leader to create
a brilliant, safe, bad-ass (in the best way) community.
Before you slip into the school routine, I want to tell you
some things about my little dude who is in your class for the second time, this
time as a big grade two kid.Our Z
absolutely ADORES you.Some time
around the end of July, he stopped accidentally calling me Ms. P! He has been attending school since he
was 18 months old and I have never seen him respond to a teacher the way he has
responded to you.His teachers
have always enjoyed him and he has always been genuinely happy to learn with and
from them, but with you, it’s different.When you started teaching his class last January Z, almost immediately,
saw himself in you.You, a black
(like him) woman with Caribbean roots, who loves music and dancing, hooked him
right away.You laughed at his
antics and were charmed by his unbelievable ability to tell a good story.You nagged him when he didn’t do his
best (which was far too often) and sent home homework when he didn’t complete
his work because let’s face it, he is more interested in being social than in
completing math worksheets.You consistently
responded with genuine warmth whether you were disappointed in him or whether
he “made your heart sing.”You did
this better than me and his mama.He noticed and he appreciated you for it.
I don’t think Z was aware that, once speaking to you and realizing
that you somehow, even though you are not yet a mama, intrinsically understood
how hard it can be to raise a black boy in North America at this time, I too
felt comfortable with you.I was relieved
when I discovered that you would support my tough black mom approach as well as
my insistence that my little guy has a chance to learn in a safe community with
love, respect and fun (yes, fun) at its core.
Our Z (your Z) is still squirrelly.Seriously, seriously squirrelly.He still doesn’t love the “learny” part
of school.He will talk your ear
off and possibly drive you to drink!The other kids will love him and think he’s hilarious.This is extremely important to him so
don’t be surprised if his perseverance and focus is most frequently exhibited
when he is trying to entertain his classmates.But if you bring your most dramatic self to the lessons you
are teaching he will hang on your every word.If you stay close by and be his anchor he’ll get his work
done – eventually, because he doesn’t just want approval from his classmates,
he wants yours too.If you take
dance breaks with the class and let him be your office runner he’ll still be
squirrelly but he’ll get some of the movement that he craves.
I know that teaching is one of the hardest jobs out
there.I know that your class is
full of kids who need all sorts of things to make their days successful.Z is one of many.I also know that our boy will frustrate
you.You’ll want to raise your
voice and send him out of the class.You’ll want to complain to your colleagues about this very capable kid
who doesn’t always apply himself and focus.I know all of this.I know because I know my Z and I have taught my share of Zs.When your patience is low, tell him and
then tell me.I am always happy to
discuss our little guy.I’m happy
to let you vent a little and then I am happy to make a plan to support him so
that he can do better.Your job is
to support Mr. Z at school and it is our job to support him at home.I believe that it is also my job to be
one of the people who supports you in your efforts to support our boy.I’m on your team.You’re on mine.We’re on his.
This is going to be a long, maybe hard, hopefully awesome year.In preparation I’ve purchased all the
wine.(Let me know if you need
any!)Alright, Ms. P here we go;
let’s do this!
